


Behind Every Man

by sevtacular



Category: Holby City
Genre: Depression, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Homophobia, Trans Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-10 14:43:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8921092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevtacular/pseuds/sevtacular
Summary: Bernie may have the exterior of a tough army medic, but inside, there's a person fighting to get out and show people the true Major Wolfe. Maybe Serena understands that feeling more than most people would think.





	1. Blue

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a post made by @magnass on tumblr about trans!Berena. Contains aspects of canon but will mainly diverge away from it. I'm not going to deny that this is very emotionally charged and contains a lot of difficult and potentially very triggering scenes.

Behind Every Man

Chapter One: Blue

From the moment she laid eyes on Bernie Wolfe, Serena knew she had met a very special person indeed. And she wasn’t the only one to notice. Bernie was what the younger nurses would (and did) call _smoking hot. _Toned didn’t even cover the army medic’s appearance. Not buff, like a body builder. Quite slim really, considering all of the combat which Bernie must have seen. But as soon as the army medic was in a scrub top, Serena soon found that she had pectoralis major (Wolfe) muscles on the brain all evening (and well into the night).__  
As the friendship progressed, Serena found that Bernie was also the sweetest and kindest person she had perhaps ever met. Caring and considerate but with an underlying confidence which Serena knew was the main reason as to why Bernie had the ranking of Major. She also had no doubts that had circumstances been different, Bernie would have risen further and been given a higher ranking. Bernie Wolfe was a person who Serena Campbell had many thoughts about (and _most _of them were workplace appropriate. Maybe.)__  
Serena knew that her friendship with Bernie was progressing differently to those with her other consultants. It had never been like this with Ric, or Guy ( _certainly not Guy _Serena told herself) or even Jac Naylor. No, Serena found that Bernie just had a personality which she was drawn to, time and time again. It didn’t hurt that the Major was incredibly attractive, either. She knew people would talk. She knew they did talk. But she didn’t care. During her life, Serena had found that everybody talks too much about other people to bother checking the facts, and tended to ignore and shut down the rumour mill. It was only after she had offered Bernie a position as co-lead on AAU and they were leaving Albie’s after their celebratory drinks that Serena realised that they were very much the centre of the rumour mill, and that there was even more depth to Bernie’s character than she first realised.__  
“Look at them. Leaving. I hear Ms Campbell gave the Major a job alongside her.” The junior doctors speaking were from some other ward Serena didn’t much care for (the elderly care unit, Serena thought, or maybe paediatrics). They clearly thought they were being discreet, but the levels of alcohol in their systems had clouded their abilities to judge just how quiet they were being. Rather, their whispers were more theatrical than the production of Sleeping Beauty Serena had been to see with Fletch and his kids. And that had been a pantomime.  
“Figures, doesn’t it?” Another replied. “She’ll go for anything in trousers. And Major Wolfe is one sexy man. I imagine once they leave she’ll be getting a good few rounds of his gun, if you catch my drift.” As the juniors all roared with laughter, Serena found she didn’t hear the rest of their completely inappropriate conversation, because her attention was snapped back to Bernie, who had tensed beside her. As soon as they were outside, the army medic smiled awkwardly and quickly headed home without another word.  
Once at home and in bed that night, Serena spent a long time trying to decipher just which part of the conversation they had overheard had triggered Bernie to react in such a way. While she tried to think of reasonable suggestions, a small part of her mind told her she knew exactly which part of the conversation it was. Because it was the part which was far too similar to conversations which had ( _and still did, _if she was being honest with herself) triggered Serena. As she fell asleep, Serena tried to push the thought from her mind, in order to get a long night of deep slumber.__  
Serena had absolutely no idea that across town, in a tiny flat which had only very recently been moved into, Bernie Wolfe lay ramrod straight on a cheap mattress, staring up at the ceiling as tears slid down weathered skin. Sleep never visited that particular household that night.  
They never spoke of it. By some sort of silently agreed mutual pact, they threw themselves into their work on the ward. Serena was grateful for the shared workload. Bernie was grateful that the incident was never mentioned. It wasn’t until Fletch’s old acquaintance Tom arrived and presented Bernie with a large brown envelope that Serena’s impression of Bernie Wolfe began to play out at the forefront of her mind once again.  
“I’ve been instructed by your wife’s lawyer to serve you with this divorce petition.” Bernie’s face had frozen. So Serena did what she imagined any good middle aged British woman would do to help a friend in a crisis. Put the kettle on and offered liquid comfort in the form of tea.  
As Bernie quietly filed through the legal documents and papers, Serena tried to comfort her friend.  
“If it helps, divorcing Edward ended up being the best thing I ever did. Even if it did hurt a lot at first.” She smiled, and the army medic returned it, though didn’t manage to make eye contact with the vascular surgeon. Irreconcilable differences, Bernie said. Mentioned that his soon to be ex-wife Martha was keeping the house. Bernie had already moved out some weeks ago and into a small flat nearby. Martha could have what she wanted, Bernie said, since it was the army medic that had ended the relationship, not Martha.  
The worst part, Bernie told Serena, was the children. Cameron and Charlotte, both grown up now, had sided with their mother. Didn’t blame them, Bernie said, considering it had been Martha who had brought them up. Serena thought of Elinor, and how she had been, especially after the split from Edward. Serena found herself getting lost in her thoughts regarding her ex-husband, Edward.  
Edward, who had been the first person Serena thought truly liked her because of her personality and skills. Edward, who told her that her inability to have children didn’t bother him after Serena had come out to him when he had proposed. Edward, who went along with Serena’s suggestion of adopting a child together. Edward, who left the young Elinor alone when eventually, he decided that Serena wasn’t enough of a woman for him. Edward, who having discovered the details of her past had used them against her in the worst possible ways during the divorce proceedings.  
Serena could feel herself getting teary as her thoughts, alongside her lifelong, take it to the grave grudge against the man, overcame her. She tried to control herself so that Bernie, sat opposite her, wouldn’t notice her pain. But still, she had opened the box and it refused to be closed. Her brain brought forward scenes of the struggles she had when bringing up her daughter as a result of Edward’s abandonment of her.  
She thought of hiding her anguish when the divorce got messy and her gender was dragged through the courts as a worse trait than the revelation of Edward’s infidelity with ‘real women’. She thought of having ‘the talk’ with her daughter, and hurting at the fact that she couldn’t answer simple questions about periods with any personal experience, just biological fact. She thought of trying to hold onto her career when her daughter stumbled onto the ward, drunk and high with a friend who was quite happy to abort her child because she didn’t want it, and Serena’s heart tugged because the wayward teen clearly didn’t know just how lucky she was to be able to get pregnant.  
The pain was too much, and Serena snapped herself back to the present, and looked at sweet, caring Bernie finishing the dregs of tea left in the mug. She breathed out slowly.  
“If you ever need someone to talk about it with, I’m here.” As Bernie nodded, Serena left and made her way to the ladies toilets, where she let the tears she rarely shed silently fall, before touching up her eyeliner and heading back to the ward, as fierce and as competent as ever.  
Serena’s perceptions of Bernie changed again, when a couple of weeks later, Martha Dunne arrived on Keller as a locum. Serena didn’t realise at first, until Ric informed her that Major Wolfe’s soon to be ex-wife had gone back to her maiden name rather quickly following the split, it seemed. As she watched Matha Dunne work, Serena wondered why the pair had split, when they seemed to both be competent surgeons. Bernie (who had firmly remained on AAU all day and refused to go to Keller, even for a consult) had said things had just run their course, but to Serena, Bernie didn’t seem the type to give up when the going got tough. It wasn’t until later that day when she discovered the real reason behind the split.  
Hayley was a girl with ambition. A girl who would stop at nothing to get what she wanted. Bernie had been treating her on AAU, having switched patients with Serena, who had gone to Keller to do the consult with Martha Dunne. Serena, back on AAU, went to check on Hayley and Bernie, just as the young woman began to clamber out of bed in her cast.  
“Hayley, Hayley, you need to get back into bed!” Bernie’s tone was commanding but calm, and Serena expected the patient to quietly clamber into bed and follow orders. She didn’t expect the mouthy girl to turn on the army medic, nearly slapping Bernie across the face.  
“Get off me you hypocrite! You act so innocent, but I heard them talking about how you cheated on your wife with a soldier!” Bernie froze, and the ward seemed to go silent. Serena found that she couldn’t speak. Bernie. Good-hearted, gentle Bernie. Had cheated on his wife of twenty five years with another solider? As Bernie walked away, body curling in on itself, Serena vowed that she wouldn’t let Bernie closer than she had. She didn’t need another disrespectful, cheating man in her life.  
“Serena I don’t suppose you fancy a drink?” The question was uttered as Serena walked into the office at the end of the day. Her eyes snapped upwards. She muttered excuses about Jason _(how dare Bernie act all understanding, the kind-hearted sod) _and then launched into a tirade regarding the NHS rumour mill and how used she felt by the man. As she spoke, he seemed to curl back into himself further. Serena, as she left, found that she didn’t feel all that much better despite her outburst. The pain in Bernie’s eyes seemed to suggest that there was more to the story than Martha Dunne-sided rumours were telling.__  
A couple of weeks later, and Serena found that her friendship with Bernie was back on track. Drawing a line over the rumour mill revelations, together they worked solidly to establish AAU as the best ward in Holby City. Alex Dawson arrived onto the ward as a breath of fresh air, ready to take the world by storm in her short stint as a locum. Upon seeing her, Bernie had frozen ever so slightly, but had gone into theatre and worked alongside the woman brilliantly. Serena therefore thought nothing was amiss, until she was entering the locker room to change out of her scrubs after being called into a surgery on Keller. Approaching the door, she noticed that Bernie was sat on the bench, looking tearful and tired. She also noticed that Alex was sat with her co-lead, appearing to offer comfort. Serena found that her legs no longer worked and all she could do was stand in the doorway and stare, a one-person audience, as Bernie Wolfe kissed Alex Dawson. As she decided to walk away and return later, Bernie looked up, and for the smallest moment, their eyes met. Serena’s legs found their ability to work again, and she turned on her heel, seeking the sanctuary of the office.  
What Serena didn’t see was Bernie Wolfe stood helplessly in the locker room, blinking back tears as Alex said words which shot straight to the army medic’s heart. What Serena also didn’t see was when Bernie Wolfe stood by the lift, watching Alex Dawson walk away from Holby, and the Major, indefinitely.  
When Serena returned to the locker room a while later, both Bernie and Alex had gone. Serena changed, and returned to the office, ready to go home. She wasn’t expected to be confronted by a broken Bernie sat in their office, head in his arms. Serena, for some reason, was unable to turn away from the clearly upset man. She sat and waited until their eyes met, and Bernie broke the silence.  
“Alex and I were lovers.” The confirmation of what she had suspected pierced Serena’s heart. She couldn’t deal with the fact that the man she had been drawn to was as bad as her ex-husband. She stood up and walked away from the office, choosing to go home and ignore the pain in her heart.  
What she didn’t know, was that as she drove home, Bernie Wolfe sat on a bench outside Holby City Hospital, fiddling with a cigarette and pondering the future. What she didn’t know, was that Dom Copeland had decided to become acquainted with the army medic. Bernie turned to the younger man, and smiled wistfully into the night.  
“Denial is a dangerous thing.”  
“Comes with the territory.”  
“The rumours. About my wife. I don’t want you to think I don’t take my family seriously. But Alex and I were lovers. Very much not allowed. But we lived in a blissfully happy bubble…” Bernie trailed off, realising that Serena had left, and that’s the only person who Bernie actually wanted to confide in. Dom smiled comfortingly.  
“Hey, you love who you love and I’m not here to judge you. If you and a fellow soldier found comfort out there, then good for you.” Dom felt it was his duty to offer solace to the man beside him, who was still clearly struggling with his feelings.  
“I’m just imagining how wonderful life could be if only I was brave enough.” Bernie was deep in thought. Dom placed a hand on the man’s arm.  
“Well, Major Wolfe, when you feel brave enough, I’m right here.” Dom winked and got up off the bench, heading over to his taxi which had just pulled up. He smiled. How knew that Major Wolfe was sensitive and attractive? _Goals. ___  
That night, Serena Campbell lay in her bed, having consumed almost a whole bottle of red wine _(it would have been the whole bottle, if I hadn’t knocked it over by the sink _she thought bitterly) and seethed. She was meant to have learned from the mistakes she had made with Edward. And she found herself in a situation where she had offered nothing but kindness to a man, to have it thrown back in her face. Serena was not a happy woman.__  
What she didn’t know, was that across the town, Bernie Wolfe was sat up in bed, having consumed nearly half a bottle of whisky. _You’ve changed your hair, _Alex had said. Bernie fiddled with the longer strands, always scraped back into a messy knot at work, but allowed to hang freely at home. _I love you Bernie, _Alex had said. Bernie traced where she had kissed. _Come and find me when you’re ready, when you’ve changed, then I can show you how much I love you properly, _Alex had said. Bernie looked down at a body covered in scars, hiding so many secrets. Another whisky was poured, maybe this would be the one which knocked the soldier into a deep and dreamless sleep.______  
Serena could feel a grudge forming. Not quite a lifelong, take it to the grave grudge just yet, given the fact that Major Bernie Wolfe had a talent for making her feel good about herself. The data leak suspension: Bernie had welcomed her return with a thoughtful gift. Arthur’s decline and death: Bernie had held Serena as she cried ugly tears. The train derailment hullaballoo: Bernie had organised things efficiently and made things run smoothly. And so Serena Campbell found herself once again letting go of all issues she had surrounding the army medic, and instead offering a trauma unit to run, courtesy of some sweet-talking with Hanssen. Damn Bernie Wolfe.  
She couldn’t help but feel happy. Bernie Wolfe was at ease with the world, running the trauma unit with a commanding presence which Serena knew had been used out in Afghanistan. Serena had never again brought up what she had seen in the locker room, and Alex Dawson had never been seen or heard of again at Holby City.  
After a surgery which had finished early, Serena headed back towards the office, ready to spend a quiet few moments regathering herself. Walking along the corridor, she noticed through the office windows that Bernie Wolfe was rummaging on the coat stand. _How odd. _She stayed silently by the window, carefully watching through the gaps in the blinds, while to the outside world giving off the pretence of studying a file she picked up off a trolley. Her breath hitched as she saw the army medic pick up Serena’s handbag. Her heart rate quickened. _A petty thief. I’ll show him. _Serena was very much ready to stomp into the office and give the Major a piece of her mind until she saw the two items Bernie pulled out of her handbag. She watched, frozen in place, as Bernie Wolfe opened the compact mirror, pulled the hair tie from the small bun, and smoothed some of Serena’s lipstick on. Putting her hand to her mouth to stop herself from crying, Serena turned away from the very private scene in the office, and instead went to do the ward rounds. By the time she entered the office some minutes later, her handbag was back in place, and Bernie Wolfe was every inch the professional army medic. The only tell-tell sign was a pink-stained tissue in the waste paper basket.____  
Serena never mentioned what she had seen. But she definitely thought about it.  
The two co-leads of AAU struck up a working dynamic which both were pleased with. Jason was okay, Elinor was healthy, Bernie was happy. The office-handbag incident still played across her mind from time to time, but Serena knew better than to pry, especially while Bernie seemed so comfortable with their delicate friendship. Serena felt at ease. Everything seemed to be going right in her life for a change. That is, until AAU got an unwanted visitor on a cold rainy day a month or so after the trauma unit was opened.  
Serena knew something was wrong as soon as she heard giggling outside her office. She was sat in there, going over a review for Hanssen, whilst Bernie caught up on paperwork opposite. The afternoon had been relatively quiet, with no trauma calls and just one patient transfer from the ED. All in all, they had been provided with a perfect afternoon for catching up on the many administrative duties which piled up. Serena glanced up to the door, which was flung wide open by a young blonde woman, who Serena was sure she recognised from somewhere, though she couldn’t place it. Until she was followed through the door by a man who Serena had no intention of being polite with ever again. Edward. _Ah yes, and his embryo. ___  
“Edward. To what do I owe the pleasure?” Serena clenched her jaw, hoping that the meeting would be over quickly. He wrapped a meaty arm around the blonde child-bride by his side.  
“Well, we have some news! Me and Liberty, that is. Tell her, Libs!” Serena furrowed her brow. _Dear goodness, don’t tell me they’ve come to say they’re getting divorced, _Serena rolled her eyes.__  
“I’m pregnant!” Liberty squealed, and Serena felt the two words hit her like a freight train. The calculating man. Coming into her place of work to once again rub in her face how she was never and could never be woman enough for him… She glared at them, and smiled falsely.  
“Well, congratulations. Now, off you pop. Have a drink to celebrate. If you haven’t already started.” She couldn’t help but add the insult to Edward. She was on edge, and did not want to have another breakdown because of him. One bout of Depression linked to gender dysphoria thanks to this man was enough, thank you very much. Serena narrowed her eyes further when the couple didn’t move.  
“Well, you see, we were thinking that because the little one might like to get to know Ellie-” Serena raised a hand.  
“Your child and my daughter will rarely be meeting, if at all, given how little you thought of her growing up.”  
“We thought, anyway, that it might be nice to have you as a godparent.” Liberty interjected, and Serena looked between the two of them.  
“Why should I?” Serena hissed, her mind screaming. She was not going to be a godmother to the child of the man she wanted to condemn to Hell. Edward smiled at her, and she recognised that smile. She knew a nasty blow was approaching. She wasn’t expecting just how vile the blow would be, however.  
“It balances,” his eyes sparkled with mirth, “we have to godmothers, and one godfather so far. So, what do you think, _Stephen, _will you be a godfather to our little one?”__  
Serena snapped. That name was the name she discarded decades ago. One she had never felt comfortable with. One which she heard far too much of during the divorce proceedings, where Edward had ensured that every minute detail of her transition was mentioned. _Every last fish finger in the freezer indeed. _Serena felt her blood boil, as she stalked towards Edward and his dolly-bird. She wondered just how many evenings they had spent laughing at Serena’s expense, wondered how often Edward had whispered how much he enjoyed the feel of a _real woman, _maybe even as the child Liberty was carrying was conceived… Serena shut down such thoughts. She didn’t need Edward. She had never needed Edward. Serena was a competent, capable woman, whose abilities far outshone his. Serena stared levelly at the couple before her. She held out her hand.____  
“The name’s Serena, lovely to meet you. Unfortunately I’m a busy mother, auntie and deputy CEO of a hospital, so no, I will not be gracing your event with my presence. However, because I am a lady who believes in kindness and tolerance, should your child ever wish to escape the discriminatory cloak you will undoubtedly swaddle it in, I am happy to assist in educating your offspring in all manners of the world. Anything from biology to identity. Until then, you are dismissed.” She opened the door, pleased when Edward and Liberty exited silently, looking a lot worse for wear than they had upon entry. Turning back around, her eyes snapped to the source of a stifled sniffle. She inhaled sharply. Serena had forgotten Bernie was in the office, and had therefore witnessed the entire scene.  
A glance at the clock told Serena that they would be uninterrupted for the remainder of the evening, especially since they were due to clock off in ten minutes anyway. She reached into her desk, pulled out a bottle of red wine _(strictly for emergencies – very much including the arrival of the ex-husband) _and two glasses. Slid one across the table to Bernie, whose eyes were filled with unshed tears.__  
“Drinking in the hospital? You are a rebel.”  
“Takes one to know one.”  
“My kinda gal.” The words were out before Bernie could stop them, and the air seemed to stand still, as the pair drank their wine. Serena’s mind was too focused upon Edward’s crass behaviour to think too much about the trauma surgeon’s comments. What she didn’t know, was that Bernie Wolfe was currently panicking, mind going a mile a minute. _I’ve said too much. She knows that I want to be with her. Or be her. I don’t know. She’s beautiful. _After finishing her glass, Serena poured another, and, noticing Bernie’s glass had been drained, refilled that too. The silence continued to envelope them like packs in a wound. Keeping things safe, stopping unnecessary spillage and further damage. Two glasses down, and well into the third, the silence was broken by Bernie, who whispered into the darkness.__  
“Alex is a lesbian.” Bernie only got that far, before the tears did then fall. Serena looked up, pulled the guest chair towards her desk and patted it in what she hoped was a welcoming manner. She understood what Bernie was trying to say, and had suspected as much since the lipstick moment, but Serena knew just how important it was for Bernie to say it out loud. Time seemed to stand still as the army medic shakily crossed the room and sat next to Serena, wine forgotten as their eyes met. Serena could see the war going on in Bernie’s mind from the way a thousand emotions were displayed in those deep brown eyes. Bernie took a deep breath, and looked away slightly.  
“She let me wear her beret.” More sniffles. Serena reached out her hand, offered the palm upwards in a gesture of solidarity. Bernie gripped it tight. “I think, Serena, I think I may be… Like you. A bit. Maybe.”  
Serena rubbed circles onto the back of Bernie’s palm, waiting for the next part of what she knew would be a long and emotional confession.  
“I love my family, my kids. But I don’t love the fact I’m their father. I… I want to be their mother. Alex saw something in me, and I know it was wrong. That’s why I told Martha I wanted a divorce as soon as I was well again. But she was so kind to me. She called me her beautiful girl.” Bernie’s voice quietened, and Serena smiled, squeezing Bernie’s hand.  
“She wasn’t wrong.” Her smile was what Bernie needed to continue.  
“Obviously the army wouldn’t have liked it. Hence the secrecy. And I could never be with her properly. Not… Not like I know she wanted. She said… When she returned the other month… That I could find her again when I’d made my mind up. Then she could, we could, well, you know.” Bernie’s shoulders slumped. “But I don’t know if I can. If I want… I don’t think I am. Properly. She wants a proper woman.” Serena reached out at those words to turn Bernie’s face towards her.  
“Listen here, Bernie. You are a proper woman. Never let anyone tell you that you’re not, least of all yourself. That man who was in here earlier is testament to that. That man, upon divorcing me because I wasn’t a proper woman in his eyes, led me to contemplate suicide. I would have left my daughter without a mother. Because I am a mother. I am a woman. I am enough. And so are you. Do you hear me, Bernie? You. Are. A. Proper. Woman.” Her voice was hard and passionate and Serena could see how much Bernie valued her words. But there was still some uncertainty in her eyes. Serena took hold of the army medic’s hand again, and smiled gently.  
“Why don’t you think you’re a proper woman, Bernie? What makes you think you’re only maybe like me in that sense?” Her voice was gentle, and Bernie sighed, and looked away, then back again.  
“I like women.” The statement was made with a resounding sigh, and Serena raised an eyebrow.  
“Is that it? You don’t think you’re a woman because you’re attracted to them? Alex is a woman who loves women, Bernie.”  
“But she is a woman. Not… Not like me.” Bernie’s head was clearly all over the place, and Serena stroked her arm gently. She knew all too well how confusing it was to begin to bare your true self to the world.  
“Bernie, you do realise that transgender women can also love women, don’t you?” Bernie looked unconvinced, and Serena took another large sip of her wine for courage. She thought her options through, and knew that what she was about to say next would be crucial in demonstrating to Bernie just how much she was willing to support her. It also involved her revealing something about herself which she told people even less than she told people about her gender. _Causes more problems than it repairs, _she told herself. But Bernie, sweet, innocent, beautiful Bernie was sat before her, being so brave, and Serena knew that she would do everything she could to help the army medic’s transition be a smooth one. And if that meant bringing her own story to attention, then so be. Putting down her glass, she edged her chair closer to Bernie’s.__  
“I think I should probably tell you about Michaela.” She said. Bernie said nothing, so she continued.  
“I realised who I was very early on. I knew I loved patterned fabrics and chiffon blouses and pale lipsticks. Unfortunately, the era was even less tolerant than it is now. As I’m sure you’re aware. So, anyway, when I got into university I decided I would present as Serena. Told all my lecturers and housemates and everyone else who asked that the documentation was wrong. I rose through the ranks, happier than I had felt in so, so long. Then I qualified, and my family weren’t best pleased. I’d been going back to Stephen” her mouth struggled to form the name “on my holidays, you see, or taking on so many work experience placements I didn’t have time to go home. But after I qualified, I told them. I thought they’d be accepting enough, see that I was intelligent and capable and also a daughter, not a son. Mother didn’t take it well at all. So I moved out, with barely any money and no roof, I was never going to get a stable medical job. If you look on my CV, this is where there’s a gap, and in an interview I would tell you that it was where I took time out after medical school to find myself and make new discoveries. In actual fact, I was going through transition therapy. Alone. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, Bernie. Especially back in those times.” Serena took another gulp of wine and glanced at Bernie, who looked completely enraptured by her tale.  
“Once I felt comfortable enough in my skin, and had changed to Serena legally, I went to Harvard and got my MBA. I had always loved studying, and knew that it would get me onto the professional ladder. But, I digress. I was telling you about Michaela.” Serena sighed slightly, and Bernie squeezed her hand, making Serena smile.  
“During my transition period in the early nineties, I found a small community of similar people. All of us alone due to lack of acceptance. Gay people, transgender people, and allsorts in between. We were a support group, almost. It was late June, I think, in Stepney. A house party. Michaela and I got chatting in the kitchen, and I was sore and still recovering from surgery, but still feeling much better about myself. She told me about her surgery in the eighties, and was genuinely so sweet to me. And, well, she was gay. Told me about her latest breakup with another woman, because her family had offered to add her back into their will if she broke up with her girlfriend and married a man. So many people did that, during those days. It was a dangerous time. Anyway, I was being comforting, and, well, at some point, both under the influence of alcohol, and her on something else as well, we started kissing. I never saw her again after that party, but I have a lot to thank her for. She made me learn a few things, did Michaela.”  
“Really?” Bernie breathed, and Serena took a deep breath, preparing herself for what she was about to say.  
“Oh yes. She taught me to always be proud of my gender. And she also made me realise that I am most definitely bisexual. I know a lot of people said they experimented in bisexuality in those days, but believe me, even now I know a pretty woman when I see one.” Serena smiled at Bernie, who seemed to be holding her breath. Serena decided to diffuse some of the tension.  
“And most importantly, dearest Michaela from Stepney taught me that I never again want to kiss someone who smoked cannabis, no matter what I’ve been drinking!” She shuddered at the memory, and Bernie laughed.  
“So,” Serena rubbed Bernie’s arm. “After all that, I like to think Princess Serena got something of a happy ending, even if there were no knights in shining armour. What about you, are you going to get your happy ending, fair maiden?”  
Bernie’s small smile disappeared slightly.  
“I don’t know how.” She waved her hand around slightly. “Where to begin, what to do. Any of it.”  
“Do you want to do it?” Serena countered, “do you feel like you want people to see that you’re the most fantastic, fearless, _female _doctor in this entire hospital?” She smirked, “aside from my good self, of course.”__  
“Of course.” Bernie looked at her solidly. “And I think I do. Will you help me?”  
“Absolutely. Like I said, nobody should have to walk that path alone.”  
“Serena?”  
“Yes, Bernie?”  
“Can we take things slowly though? I… I want to find out about myself a bit more, first. Before I go telling others.”  
“Absolutely. In your own time, Bernie.”  
A trolley rattled outside, and looking at the clock, Serena realised that they’d been sat in the office drinking and confiding for over two hours. She stood up, steadying herself on the desk, before grabbing her coat and Bernie’s.  
“Come on then, Ms Wolfe, let’s leave this place. We both need our beauty sleep.” Bernie’s smile at Serena’s use of the formal title Ms Wolfe could have lit up the entirety of Holby City.  
Later that night, Serena found herself replaying that smile over and over again. She knew she would do whatever it took to make Bernie happy and comfortable in her transition.  
She had no idea that in a small flat on the other side of town, Bernie Wolfe lay in bed, smiling at the ceiling for the first time since the flat had been moved into. Sleep came easily to that particular household that night, and it was filled with dreams of a feminine vascular surgeon with a heart of gold.

To Be Continued


	2. Dark Purple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should point out that the majority of this fic will be from Serena's POV. Also, this chapter is ever so slightly fluffier than the last. Ish.

Chapter Two: Dark Purple

Serena found herself doing a lot of research into names. As far as she could gather, Bernie didn’t have a name she wished to go by, and though Bernie was gender-neutral enough, Serena believed that Bernie did want a more feminine name. She spent a great deal of time looking into names similar sounding to Bernie, and also a few others, in case Bernie wanted variation. She told herself that the final decision would be down to Bernie alone, but the army medic was very nervous, and Serena had vowed to help her as much as she could.

_Bernadette: brave bear. _The name seemed the obvious fit with Bernie, but Serena knew that names didn’t have to be a direct fit. She herself had picked something rather different to Stephen, going for Serena rather than the Stephanie most would have assumed. But the name had to fit. Whereas Michaela was just happy with the extra letter a, Serena had known in her heart that she was destined to have the name she had given herself. And so she continued, storing Bernadette, but also seeing if there were any other names she could find which Bernie might identify with.__

_Bertha: bright, famous. _Given Bernie was so private, Serena wasn’t convinced.__

_Brenda: sword. _Closer, Serena thought. But not quite right, given that first and foremost, Bernie was an army medic, not a soldier.__

_Beatrix: voyager, traveller. _Well, that sort of worked, what with Bernie’s military career.__

_Berenice: bringing victory. _Serena smiled at the words on her screen. Berenice. It seemed perfect. Bringing victory both on the battlefield and in the theatre. Bringing victory in finally announcing who she was to the world. Serena was sure it was the best name Bernie could have. Berenice. A little antiquated, yes, but all the same, Serena felt that it suited Bernie best. She couldn’t wait to see what Bernie thought of it.__

It was Monday morning when they both shared the same shift once again, but Serena arrived slightly earlier, and went to Pulses to pick up their coffee orders. Placing Bernie’s order onto the desk, she stuck one of her post-it notes to it, with the words _This belongs to Berenice Wolfe _written on in Serena’s neat and slightly cursive script. She knew that Bernie might not like the name, or have a different preference, so she had the others filed away in her brain to drop about too, when they were alone together._ _

When Bernie arrived, Serena was sipping her own coffee and going through the endless stream of emails she seemed to get as Deputy CEO. _I swear this inbox is never empty, _she thought to herself. After hearing the door slam shut, she watched the trauma surgeon from the corner of her eye, until she picked up the note on the coffee. Serena found herself unconsciously biting her lip, suddenly very nervous that she had overstepped the mark, and Bernie Wolfe would not appreciate the interference with her personal matters. In actual fact, the army medic stood opposite her for what felt like eternity, just staring at the words upon the cup. Then, she looked up towards Serena with tears in her eyes.__  
“Berenice?” Serena couldn’t place the tone of her voice, and found herself scrambling to apologise profusely.  
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to mess you around but I thought you might want some options. Obviously you don’t have to pick Berenice, you don’t have to pick any name really, at all, do you? You are who you are. But I just thought that if you did want a feminine name then perhaps Berenice would fit? It does mean ‘bringing victory’ after all, and that seems like such a profound meaning for you. But if you don’t think that’s the name you’re meant to have don’t feel pressured at all bec-” Her mutterings were cut off by the army medic striding round the desk and enveloping her in a hug. Serena wrapped her arms around Bernie and smoothed her palms over her shoulders.  
“Berenice. That’s me. Berenice Wolfe.” The trauma surgeon pulled back slightly to look in Serena’s eyes. “Thank you. So very, very much. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you.” Serena smiled and stroked Bernie’s hair gently.  
“Don’t worry about it. Honestly. Now, shall we get started on the day, Berenice?” She smiled, but Bernie’s grin wavered.  
“Serena?”  
“Yes?”  
“Please could you not, um, call me Berenice in front of, erm, well,” she gestured towards the door, “you know? I want to get comfortable first? And I really don’t want to face the rumour mill again just yet. I’m not ready for it at all. Right now I just want to work out where I stand, and I really need you to help me. But just together, for now? Please?” Bernie looked incredibly nervous, and Serena couldn’t help but feel a wave of emotion as the feelings she had had all those years ago _(and still occasionally got now, when she had to tell people specifics) _crashed into her.  
“Of course. Bernie, I would never out anyone. That is a journey you have to go on yourself, and I know how cruel it is to have someone else, especially someone you thought cared about you, proclaim private details about you to anyone who will listen. I will never intentionally hurt you, Berenice, never.” She squeezed Bernie’s arm and smiled gently. “Now, I do believe we have a hospital ward to run.”__

And so life went on. Patients were admitted and treated; Fletch’s kids got into all kinds of scrapes; and Serena found herself doing little gestures to help make Bernie feel better when she was clearly having a tough day. An extra coffee for when the trauma doctor had finished surgery. A whisky ready and waiting at the bar for when she came into Albie’s at the end of a long shift. A consoling pat on the back or rub of the shoulders when things didn’t quite go to plan, and they lost a patient. The whole affair was not one sided, however, as Serena found herself being the recipient of little gestures of good will. Arriving into work on a cold and wet morning to a pain au chocolat on her desk. A USB lead so she could charge her phone in her laptop when Jason called one too many times and the battery was running critically low. A bottle of wine (Shiraz, of course) in the bottom drawer of her desk to replace the one which they had drank together. All in all, things were going well. Bernie seemed content enough, and Serena knew that when the army medic had sorted all of the questions and thoughts in her head, she would let Serena know about what position she was in and how she wanted to proceed. 

On the ward, in meetings, and on all official documents, Serena dutifully referred to her co-lead as Major Bernie Wolfe. However, when it was just the two of them, she varied what she called her friend. Upon asking her to Albie’s for a drink, she would chirpily hand over Bernie’s coat and a “come on then, Berenice, let’s get us girls a drink”. In emails passed between the two of them, which she knew would not get screened by other administrative staff, she opened with “Ms Wolfe”. Bernie smiled every single time she did this, and Serena knew that the soldier’s stomach was filling with the little bubbles of joy. Serena got them herself, and knew that she would never stop trying to make the Major feel so welcome and valued. Nobody, in Serena’s eyes, should be denied the chance to discover who they really are, and showcase the fact. 

It was towards the end of a long week when it happened. Serena had been in more surgeries than she cared to count, whilst Bernie had appeared to take up residence in the trauma bay, given how many times the red phone rang, bringing in patient after patient, all battered and broken beyond belief. They’d lost several of them, and saved many more, but it was always the losses which played hard, because as surgeons they wanted to know if there was anything, literally anything, they could have done differently in order to save the life which had ended too soon. Serena was scrolling through her emails, trying to get back on top of all of the admin which she had neglected for the patients. As she was nearing the end, Bernie came in and sagged into the chair opposite, before logging in to presumably catch up on work too, Serena thought. 

As she reached the end of her list of unopened mail, one pinged into her inbox from the person opposite her. Furrowing her brow at the vague subject _(‘Staff Wellbeing’ had better not be an invite to another Mindfulness session), _she clicked on it and felt her face breaking out into a huge smile.__

_Ms Campbell, ___  
_It has come to my attention this week that certain key members of our team on the Acute Admissions Unit have been feeling a little worse for wear after the result of some hectic schedules and additional cases. Therefore, I wondered if it would be possible for you to arrange a little therapy for them in order for them to have the opportunity to perhaps relax and feel comfortable in who they are. Do let me know if this is possible. _  
_Ms Wolfe’ _____

Looking up from her screen, Serena’s eyes met Berenice’s, and she knew exactly what the precious woman before her was referring to, given just how nervous she looked. Serena appreciated just how much effort it must have taken for her to openly sign an email with the title of ‘Ms’, and she knew she would do anything needed of her to help her friend and colleague. Smiling at her, she flicked her eyes back to the screen.  
“So, Ms Wolfe, how does retail therapy sound to you?” The beaming grin she was met with said it all.  
“Thank you, Serena,” the army medic released her breath. “I’ve been thinking. A lot. And I think I want to find myself some, erm, clothes. I mean, proper, you know, clothes which I want to wear. And I need you to help me a little bit. Or a lot. Yes, a lot. Please will you lend a hand?”  
“I’d be delighted to,” was Serena’s easy response. “Besides, I could do with some new blouses myself. We’re both off tomorrow, how would you feel about it? I’m happy to pick you up in my car. It has more room in the boot for all the bags, anyway.” Her eyes twinkled. She had originally found it amusing that Bernie owned a tiny sports car, but now it made more sense in her mind. When bought, the car was a way in which Bernie could defy the masculine expectations imposed on her, without revealing too much. Serena’s suggestion was met with a smile.  
“See you outside my block of flats tomorrow morning then. I’m assuming you’ll be picking me up early?”  
“Of course,” Serena replied. “I don’t want to miss any bargains they might put out as they open! And I rather think that we will have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.” 

That night, Serena Campbell lay in her 600 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, dreaming of the bravest woman she had ever met. What she didn’t know, was that in a small flat across town, she was in the dreams of the woman on her mind.   
Serena pulled up her car outside Bernie’s block of flats at precisely 8:45am. She had explained to Jason before he left the house that she was going shopping for the day, but he could call her at any time should there be an emergency. Looking out of her car window, Serena almost didn’t recognise the person walking briskly towards her, and her stomach flipped at the sight. Bernie Wolfe had left her hair down, so it hung straight by her ears, almost chin length. She had on a checked shirt which she had tucked into some jeans. Her leather jacket was practical, as were her trainers. She looked slightly uncomfortable, but also happy. Serena almost didn’t notice her getting into the car, because her brain was too busy trying to commit the shape of her body to memory.  
“Serena?” She became aware that she was being spoken to, and had heard precisely none of what her companion had to say.  
“Sorry, I was miles away.” She shrugged apologetically. “What were you saying?”  
“Just thank you for doing this. And I also wanted to check that I don’t look, too, um, ridiculous?” Bernie was clearly unsure in herself, and Serena remembered all too well the awkward times when she started university of trying to put together feminine looks with a very masculine wardrobe. She rubbed Bernie’s arm.  
“You look great. And your hair is really shiny, what did you use on it?” Bernie blushed at her comment.  
“I used some conditioner on it in the shower this morning. I’ve never really bothered before but it makes my hair really sleek.” She tucked a strand behind her ear nervously, and Serena indicated into the right lane so that they wouldn’t be late for their shopping spree.  
“Well you look lovely.” Serena kept her eyes on the road, but she knew Bernie had smiled at her compliment. “And after I’ve done with you today, you’ll look even better!” Bernie laughed at that, a barking guffaw which she immediately quelled. Serena thought she could guess why: Bernie was worried that her laugh sounded too masculine. _In time, _Serena thought, _I will teach this beautiful woman that the things we perceive to be associated with certain genders are only as such because of the society we live in. A laugh is a laugh, simple as that. _____

 

 

 

 

When they reached the shopping centre, Bernie began fiddling with her seatbelt nervously.  
“I’ve never been very good at shopping, Serena.”  
“That’s not a problem, I’m rather good at it. Now, Bernie,” Serena turned to face the woman next to her, “have you put any thought into what sort of clothes you like? Presentation can be a tricky thing to figure out.” Bernie sighed.  
“Well I like practical things. Jeans. Shirts. I’m not really very feminine like you, Serena. Maybe I’m not even female at all.” Bernie whispered the last part into her chest, and Serena breathed deeply to stop herself from bursting into tears. She knew all too well of how painful it is to feel like you’re tricking yourself and those around you into believing you are female, when underneath the clothes you still very much have the body of a man. She looked out of the windscreen, then back at Bernie, knowing that what the army medic would appreciate in that moment was a comforting pep talk.  
“Listen up, Berenice, you’re one of the finest women I know. You’re strong. You’re confident. You’re brave. You don’t have to exude femininity to be female. All you have to do is identify as female, which you do, am I correct? So we shall find you some comfortable jeans and some practical shirts and whatever else you so desire, because how you present yourself is down to you and you alone, not what anyone else wants to define you as. And I will be here every step of the way, to guide you through the shops and tell you when a blouse you try on looks absolutely atrocious. Because that’s what friends do.” And opening her car door, Serena decided to get the shopping trip well and truly on the road. _Knowing my luck, Jason will encounter an emergency in two hours, and I want to cram as much as I can into whatever time I have with Berenice Wolfe. ___  
The first shop they entered was one which Serena had been in a few times, and she knew its sizes and garments well. Wandering round the shop, she selected a couple of blouses for herself, all long and floating and pretty. Bernie wandered amongst the racks of clothes, seeming lost and scared, and Serena caught up with her companion, and steered her towards the corner of the store where denim was.  
“So, how do you feel about skinny jeans?” Serena selected a pair of black skinny jeans a couple of sizes below her own, and a longer length than she would select. Bernie looked unsure.  
“Well, I would love to wear them. Goodness knows I would _really love _to wear them.” Bernie stroked the fabric gently, then lowered her voice to just above a whisper. “But they’re skinny and my body isn’t… I have… Well, you know.” Bernie blushed profusely. Serena understood what Bernie was getting at. She remembered the early days of her transition, where she went through every trick in the book of disguising her masculine attributes so that she could wear more figure hugging clothes. She nodded, and found a different pair of jeans in the size she thought would fit Bernie. They were still slim fitting, but weren’t skinny. The pair of them then wandered around the rest of the clothing ranges in the store, and Bernie picked out a couple of blouses which she liked the look of. Serena felt butterflies in her stomach at how far Bernie had come since their first office conversation. Upon seeing the questioning look in her friend’s eyes, Serena turned to the rack, and pretending to stroke the fabric and admire the quality, found one in the size which she thought would fit Bernie. She had almost forgotten how different the world of women’s clothing was to men’s, where everything was done in numbers rather than measurements or general sizes.__  
When both of their arms were heaped full of clothes, Serena led Bernie towards the changing rooms at the back of the store, where an overly perky attendant greeted them, flashing all of her teeth, which, Serena noted, had definitely been artificially whitened. The young girl looked towards Bernie.  
“Well, sir, aren’t you the good husband helping to carry all your wife’s clothing choices!”  
Serena immediately turned around towards the person she knew wasn’t there.  
“Oh what a delightful man! Myself and Berenice here are always sayi-” She pointedly stared at the empty space behind where she and Bernie were stood, then turned back to the store attendant, throwing a steely glare in her direction. The young woman immediately began bobbing awkwardly and babbling towards Bernie.  
“Oh, I am so sorry madam, I didn’t realise you were… I mean I thought you… I mean I didn’t think-”  
“Yes, you clearly didn’t think. Now, if you still want our custom, we would be very grateful if you would let us into the changing facilities so we can check that we actually do wish to buy these garments.” Serena swept past the jittery store assistant, powering towards the cubicles at the far end of the facilities.  
What she didn’t know, was that Bernie was completely gobsmacked. _She just saved me. I’m being allowed in. Serena has helped me find clothes. _Bernie entered the cubicle next to Serena, and began trying on the clothes, which were more or less the ideal size, thanks to Serena’s guesswork. There was a mirror in her cubicle, and Bernie refused to look in it whilst changing, knowing that upon seeing the sight of such a masculine body, she would retreat and cancel the trip. Instead, Bernie waited until fully dressed in the jeans and one of the shirts before looking up into the mirror. A couple of silent tears tracked down her cheeks as she saw the sight before her. Yes, she didn’t look as glamourous as Serena, but she definitely looked _good. _And, she felt good. Someone rustled the curtained entrance, and she heard Serena on the other side._  
“Come on then woman, don’t spend all day changing, let me see what you look like!” Her voice was ever so slightly too loud and cheerful, and upon opening the curtain, Bernie noticed the sales assistant from earlier hovering, and so understood entirely.___  
When she saw Bernie in the changing rooms, Serena couldn’t help it when she launched herself forwards and into the army medic’s chest.  
“You look amazing, Berenice. Do you feel amazing?” She breathed into her ear, to get a definitive nod in response. “Well then,” she stepped backwards. “Shall we pay for the items we’ve chosen in here then look elsewhere? We do have a whole girly shopping day ahead!” Bernie nodded, and reluctantly changed back into the clothes she had left her flat in, before exiting and paying for her items at the till with Serena, who still had not let the shop assistant off from earlier, and so only bought two blouses instead of three on principal, claiming that “one just didn’t seem appropriate”.  
As they strolled around the shopping centre with their bags, window shopping and seeing what took their fancy, Serena leaned in close to Bernie.  
“I must say, I’m impressed. It took me ages to fathom the opposite sided buttons when I first started wearing women’s blouses. It still confuses me sometimes. Hence why I wear open shirts above my vest.” Bernie turned to look at her, a soft smile gracing her features.  
“Really?”  
“Really. But I’ve never told anyone that before, so I will definitely know it was you if that rumour gets out!” She prodded Bernie’s chest lightly with her forefinger, before steering her towards another clothes shop. “Let’s go in here, I really like this one, and their new range is meant to be exquisite!”  
Once again, in the shop, Serena easily found the pieces she liked, whilst Bernie selected some more jeans (in a dark blue this time) and a shirt, more at ease now she knew her sizing. Serena felt completely at ease in the shop, realising that since Jason had moved in with her, she hadn’t properly been shopping for the day, given his need for strict schedules, and his loathing of browsing. When she decided she was going to pay, she looked round to find Bernie, and almost panicked when she couldn’t see her. Then she caught a glimpse of her, and wandered over to see Bernie stood looking longingly at a longish trench coat, which had a belt around the centre to emphasise the wearer’s waist. Serena walked behind her quietly.  
“If you keep looking at it that longingly you’ll make it blush,” she laughed when her silent footsteps had their desired impact and Bernie jolted before turning round to look at her.  
“Do you think it would suit me, Serena?”  
“Only one way to find out,” Serena reached up and pulled Bernie’s leather jacket off, before offering the coat. Bernie put it on and stood before Serena, fiddling with the belt slightly. Serena couldn’t help but stare, rendered speechless by the sight. The coat was _perfect. _The greenish colour of the material, the shiny bronze buttons, the epaulettes. The entire thing shrouded Bernie perfectly, in a way that made her look completely and utterly and _deliciously _feminine. Serena licked her lips and coughed slightly, raising her eyes to meet Bernie’s.__  
“Well?”  
“You have to buy it.” Serena hoped Bernie didn’t notice the slight choke in her voice.__  
After they had finished clothes shopping, Serena took Bernie’s arm and steered her towards the toilets, after deciding that Bernie would never completely enjoy the trip whilst she was nervously looking at other shoppers and fiddling with her hair when people looked in their direction.  
“Go on in with your bags and change into whatever you feel like. I’ll use the toilet then wait for you by the sinks. I can touch up my makeup in the mirrors, anyway.” Bernie looked like Serena had just personally transformed into Father Christmas and granted all of her Christmas wishes. When she squeezed her hand in thanks, Serena’s heart leapt in her chest.   
Serena had just finished reapplying a new coat of gloss over her rosy lipstick when Bernie appeared behind her, and went to wash her hands. Serena once again felt all air leave her lungs. _That damn coat will be the death of me if she continues to wear it. _Bernie had changed into a black blouse, but had a white vest top on underneath, Serena could see, as Bernie had left the top couple of shirt buttons undone. She’d also put on the black jeans. The only problem with the outfit, Serena decided, was the trainers. _Well then. Time to take Berenice Wolfe shoe shopping. _As Bernie approached, Serena beamed up, and offered her lipstick, her mind replaying the scene in the office. Bernie shook her head, and leaned down to whisper in Serena’s ear.____  
“As much as I would love to wear a bit of makeup, I think I would make a fool of myself trying to apply it neatly in a public toilet.” Serena looped their arms together and leaned her head against Bernie’s shoulder (the fabric of the coat _was _delightfully soft).__  
“Well then, I’ll just have to give you a makeover! We could have a girly sleepover, I never had one of those growing up!” Serena’s mind whirred with excitement. She didn’t see Bernie almost faint at the idea of a sleepover with Serena.  
“Aha, perhaps. Now, where next?”  
Next turned out to be the shoe shop. Serena watched Bernie wander between the racks and racks of shoes, stroking them fervently. She herself was not planning on getting any new shoes, until she saw the pair of leopard print stiletto heels on half-price sale. _Leopard print and half price? Sold. Love a bargain. _She knew that they weren’t as practical as what she would normally wear, but couldn’t help the images which graced her mind of what Guy Self’s face would look like next time she entered a board meeting wearing them, and maybe, depending on how serious the meeting was, she told herself, a pencil skirt. Maybe. She sat down to try them on, as Bernie approached, a pair of block heeled ankle boots in hand. She sat rather close to Serena, and whispered in her ear.__  
“Are heels hard to walk in? I really like these, and they come in a wide fit. But I don’t want to buy them if I can’t walk in them.”  
“They’re only half inch blocks, so they should be relatively easy. I would have been worried if you wanted to dive straight in with something like these!” She held up the leopard print stilettos, and Bernie’s eyes bugged.  
“You can _walk _in them?!”__  
“Well, I like to say I _sashay _in stilettos.” She smirked. “But I would practice before you leave the store. Remember the first time you wore a pair of football boots on solid ground? Well think of that sensation, but your feet are at more of an angle. You’re only half an inch on a block though, I’m four inches on a stick.” Serena changed into the stilettos, and stood up. Bernie put the boots on and frowned.__  
“They said my size but they’re a bit tight around the toes. The width is good though.”  
“No bother, I’ll go and grab the next size up for you.” Serena smiled and went to exchange the shoes, still wearing the stilettos. She didn’t see Bernie’s eyes track every sway of her hips. Upon her return, Bernie tried the new boots, and seemed pleased when they fit, before standing up and wobbling slightly. Serena grabbed her forearms before any damage could occur.  
“You can’t fasten a women’s shirt but you can totter around in those!” Bernie nodded at the shoes whilst whispering to Serena. “Heels are far harder than buttons!” Serena shrugged.  
“What can I say? I’ve had years of practice with heels. Anyway, I need to be good at them so I can stand on a level height. You’re tall enough as it is.” Serena was acutely aware of just how close their faces were, and the fact that she could now look Bernie in the eyes. Bernie’s breath hitched and Serena let go of her arms. “Come on then, we’ll walk over to that promotion stand and back. I would say race you, but I’m not that mean.” She brought her lips closer to Bernie’s ear. “I won’t leave you alone in heels. Come on, walk alongside me.” 

Serena began to slowly but purposefully walk forward, her arm tightly interlinked with Bernie’s so as to stop her friend from falling. When they made it back to the seat, Bernie stumbled slightly and Serena rolled her eyes as a shop assistant approached.  
“Don’t worry, I’m awful in anything higher than half an inch too. It’s a good job girls like you and me have understanding girlfriends. Even if they do have a nicer shoe collection.” The shop assistant winked at Serena and patted Bernie on the shoulder, and Serena glowed at the compliment. It still made her happy every time someone addressed her as female in public, anything from _“let this nice lady past” _to _“alright missus” _was a win in Serena’s eyes. It took a while for her to register that she had addressed her and Bernie as a couple. She laughed inwardly. _Good grief, can’t two women go shoe shopping without being a couple? _She didn’t bother to correct the sales assistant when she scanned their items though. Neither did Bernie.______  
They dropped their bags back into the car, and then re-entered the shopping centre to go and grab some food, before having a last wander around the various shops. Serena noticed Bernie looking at earrings on a stand filled with accessories, but said nothing, storing the information away. As they reached the end of their trip, they entered a chain coffee shop to order drinks to share before they went home. As they were queuing, Bernie’s phone rang. She looked at it then back up to Serena.  
“It’s the divorce lawyer.”  
“Go, answer it. I can order for you, don’t worry. Anyway, you’ve spent a lot of money today. The coffee’s on me.” As Bernie walked to the entrance, phone pressed to her ear, Serena picked up two reusable portable coffee cups which looked like plastic versions of the paper cups. She handed them to the barista and placed their regular orders, which he wrote on the sides of the cups alongside the names she gave him. Bernie finished her phone call and stood next to her whilst the drinks were being made.  
“Double shot lattes for Serena and Berenice!” The barista called, and Bernie gasped next to her, before walking forwards with her to collect the cups.  
“You’re Serena, so you must be Berenice!” The cheerful barista said, recognising Serena from giving the order. Bernie smiled at him.  
“Yep, I’m Berenice.” She accepted her drink.  
“Well, hope you’ve had a lovely day ladies!” He shouted after them as they left. Bernie smiled down at Serena.  
“Yes, I have had a lovely day. Thank you Serena.” She stared at the cup in wonder as she finished the drink, and Serena smiled.  
“It’s reusable, take it home and wash it out, and then every time you visit one of their stores you’ll get 20p off for using it. As long as you want a double shot latte that is, Berenice.” Serena wasn’t prepared for the tight hug Bernie gave her before they got into the car. She didn’t complain though.  
Serena went home that evening and filled her wardrobe with her new purchases, whilst at the same time filling her mind with the thought of Berenice Wolfe in that coat. What she didn’t realise, was that across town in a small flat, Berenice Wolfe was stood before her mirror, trying to practice walking backwards and forwards in the heeled boots. And very much dwelling on how it had felt to walk arm in arm around a shoe shop with Serena Campbell in heels. How everything just felt so right all of a sudden. Bernie glanced at the coffee cup she had stood proudly on her bedside table. Berenice was slowly revealing herself to the world, and it felt wonderful.  
Back on the ward, things continued. Ms Campbell and Major Wolfe ran a tight ship, with patients getting the best possible care they could. Behind closed doors, when it was just the two of them in the office, Serena and Berenice laughed and talked and bonded as their friendship went from strength to strength.  
“I don’t suppose you’d like to come back to mine?” Serena asked one evening as they clocked off. “Only Jason’s out so it means we won’t be interrupted at all.” Bernie nearly choked. _Was Serena really asking what Bernie thought she was asking? ___  
“Um, I’d be delighted.” Bernie stumbled over her words.  
“Great, because I’ve managed to dig out a couple of old things and so I want to try them out. Obviously we can stop at any point if you’re not comfortable.” Bernie began to sweat nervously. Serena knew that things hadn’t worked out with Alex because of physical differences, didn’t she realise it would be the same with her? All the same, Bernie went back to Serena’s that night, and found herself being immediately led by the hand up to the bedroom as soon as the front door was shut and locked behind them.  
“Close your eyes.” Serena commanded as the bedroom door slammed behind them. Bernie gulped and felt herself being led over to and sat down on the bed. She felt it dip again and knew that Serena must have also climbed onto the bed. “Right, open them up.” Bernie did as instructed and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the sight before her. Serena Campbell had laid out her makeup on her dresser, and was plugging in a pair of curling tongs.   
Serena looked over at Bernie’s bemused expression.  
“Obviously I can’t curl my hair, and since Ellie went to university I expect she bought herself some more expensive ones. But I just wondered if you’d thought about styling your hair? It’s definitely long enough now.” Serena prayed that she wasn’t letting on just how much thought she’d put into how she was going to do Berenice’s hair and makeup. Bernie nodded.  
“I had thought about it, I just didn’t know how to go about it…” Her voice trailed off. Serena took Bernie’s hand and placed it on the handle of the tongs which had now heated up.  
“Right, first few you can do with me, then you can do a couple on your own, yes?”   
There was no denying that Bernie looked _really, really attractive _with loose waves falling about her face. Serena tucked a couple behind Bernie’s ear then steered her towards her dressing table so she could look in the mirror. Bernie gasped at her own reflection, and tousled her hair gently. Serena gestured to the makeup she had laid out on the surface.__  
“Right, you tell me what takes your fancy, or what sort of look you’re going for. I’ll put it on for you while you watch in the mirror, sound good, girlie?”  
“It sounds amazing.” Bernie breathed.   
Half an hour later and Serena felt very pleased with her handiwork. Bernie looked completely natural yet also radiant. A discreet lip liner and neutral lipstick softened the edges around her mouth, and a soft grey eyeshadow and mascara made her eyes look even darker. A small amount of blusher on her cheekbones and Bernie looked like the natural beauty she was always destined to be. The woman looked at herself in the mirror, and from over her shoulder Serena held out two pieces of cardboard covered in jewels.  
“What’re they?” Bernie queried.  
“Magnetic and clip-on earrings. In case you ever want to adorn your ears.” Serena didn’t mention how she had seen Bernie enviously studying the studs on her shopping trip. “They hurt like mad after a while, so probably best for nights out or special events only, but I thought they might be nice until you get your ears pierced. If you want to get them pierced, that is. I like mine done, but it is an individual thing.”  
Bernie took a pair of gold magnetic studs and placed them on her ears. Serena watched her study herself in the mirror and smile. She felt her heart ache at the sight. She still felt that elated feeling whenever she looked in the mirror having done her makeup and sorted her hair. It was that glorious feeling of finally being yourself. And Serena had never, and probably would never, get enough of that feeling. Bernie reached to take Serena’s hand and nervously tapped her fingers against the vascular surgeon’s. Serena waited, knowing Bernie would say whatever she was going to when she was ready. Eventually, Bernie took a deep breath.  
“Serena? Will you help me tell people? I think I’m ready to show everyone the real me.” Serena clasped Bernie’s hand in her own out of sheer happiness, fighting back her tears of joy.  
“Of course I will, Berenice, of course I will.”


	3. Medium Purple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter definitely lives up to the warnings for gender dysphoria, transphobia and homophobia. There is also an added warning for ace erasure. It's sort of fluffy though, if that helps.

Chapter Three: Medium Purple

It was nearly two weeks later when Serena entered her bedroom to find Bernie sat at her dressing table, staring intently at the wall. Bernie’s presence was not unusual, given the fact that Serena had invited her round. What Serena did find odd, however, was how absorbed the army medic appeared to be in her décor. Serena placed the glasses of fruit juice down, and leaned over Bernie’s shoulder, addressing her in the mirror.  
“What, pray tell, is so fascinating about my wall Berenice?” Bernie coughed upon being addressed, and, picking up a glass, took a sip of the fruit juice.  
“I never noticed it last time I was here, but the sign.” She pointed up to the small wooden plaque which was hanging upon a hook on the wall behind Serena’s mirror. Serena smiled at it.  
“Ah yes, that. Proof that Henrik Hanssen has a sense of humour.” At Bernie’s raised eyebrows in unspoken question, Serena elaborated. “It turns out he had me in the senior staff secret Santa the other year. Of course, when everyone opened it and saw the sign with the words _Behind Every Man Lies An Even Greater Woman _on they all thought that he was referring to my position as Deputy CEO, hence the joke. The joke was really on them though, because I knew the true meaning behind the gift, showing that even tall perfectionist Swedes can be surprisingly thoughtful in their gift giving choices at times.” She looked at the sign, eyes tracing over the words. “I suppose I should have put it over my desk, but I wanted it here, so that every morning when I do my makeup I can be reminded of just how far I’ve come. Are you alright? Bernie?” Serena broke out of her reverie to notice that the army medic was gaping at her, seemingly at a complete loss for words.__  
“Hanssen? He knows? I mean… Um… You? Like me? He’s okay with that? And Henrik Hanssen?!” Bernie’s words were all jumbled together, and Serena patted her shoulder comfortingly.  
“Yes, he knows. It’s on my official data records, which he has complete access to. Not that he goes snooping around them for fun. Anyway, he’s one of my closest friends. Completely non-judgemental. Honestly.” Bernie still didn’t look convinced. “Bernie, believe me when I say that Henrik Hanssen is a man who understands and accepts that people have varying identities, and minorities deserve respect too. We understand one another. If it helps, I will come with you when you tell him that you’ll need your data changing. But first, let’s get you ready to face your family. Yes?” Bernie inhaled sharply, and Serena picked up the curling tongs. “Come on, let’s show your ex-wife and children what a pretty woman you are.”

___Serena looked over at the woman next to her, who was sat staring unseeingly out of the windscreen. Serena leaned over and patted her hand gently._  
“Come on, Berenice, you can do this.” Her best friend whipped her head towards her, and Serena was mildly concerned that the other woman was going to give herself whiplash and end up hospitalised before she could meet her family. _In all honesty, I’d prefer whiplash to telling my family all over again. What a joyful conversation that was, _Serena mused. Bernie gripped Serena’s wrist in her right hand and the car door with her left, though she made no move to actually open it and leave. Her eyes burned straight into the vascular surgeon’s, reflecting apprehension and fear as she all but whimpered.__  
“Please, Serena, come out with me.” To which, despite the enormity of the moment, Serena couldn’t help but laugh, a throaty sound which dispersed some of the tension in the car despite Bernie’s clear confusion. Serena decided to clarify what her source of amusement was.  
“Bernie, I rather think I’ve already done the whole coming out thing, in multiple ways. Now, it is your job to tell your family who you are, and I will remain here while you do, silently offering my support in my constant presence out here for when you have finished. This, however, is something you must do alone. Okay?” She rubbed her thumb across the other woman’s knuckles, hoping Bernie would understand.  
“You said you’d tell Hanssen with me though.” Bernie’s voice was small. Serena knew just how utterly nervous she was, having felt the same emotions herself all those years ago. No matter how old she got, Serena knew that she would never, ever forget the feeling of coming out to her parents, and baring her truest self to them for them to scrutinise her and debate if it fit with how they had tried to bring her up, even though (Serena told herself this now, as a parent, she had believed it less then) there are some things which parents cannot instil into a child, because they are part of who that individual is. Not behaviours or characteristics inherited as a result of the correct nurturing. No, some things were always there, just waiting for a person to discover who they truly were. She snapped out of her thoughts and looked back at Bernie, thankful that she had arrived early so that Bernie could talk through any doubts she had with her.  
“And I will tell Hanssen with you, Berenice. And the whole of our extended AAU family if that is what you so desire. Because these people are people who I know and care about deeply, as I do you. Today Bernie, is your family. Who I barely know and should not interfere with. I will be right here though, ready for when you’ve done. Get out there, Berenice, and show your children the mother they never knew they had, and Martha the true you. You owe it to them.” Bernie nodded, and inhaled sharply, before stepping out into the crisp air and heading towards the house where she had spent so much of her grown adult life. This time though, she would be in it as her true self. 

Serena watched Bernie walk up to the door, her heart swelling in pride at the sight of her in her tight jeans and floaty blouse and that damned coat. Serena had done her hair and makeup, and she knew Bernie was grateful. Now, all she had to do was sit and wait for her brave soldier best friend to return from what Serena knew would be a very emotional battle indeed. 

What Serena didn’t know, was just how emotional that battle would be for Bernie, who had lived a life firmly hiding behind lots of good old British reserve.

Martha answered the door and immediately looked Bernie up and down in shock. Bernie planted her feet firmly on the floor, shoulder width apart, grateful that she now had a pair of knee length flat boots as she wasn’t sure she would have stayed upright in heels. Martha stepped aside and pointed Bernie through to the kitchen where she saw Cameron and Charlotte, sat at the table and looking thoroughly surprised at the sight that walked through the door. The silence which surrounded them when Bernie sat down and Martha soon followed was painful. Eventually, Bernie broke it by saying, in a very tiny voice.  
“Surprise?!”

After a very stilted meal and some awkward small talk very much avoiding Bernie’s appearance or the divorce, the elephant in the room was finally acknowledged by Cameron, who looked Bernie in the eyes and addressed her.  
“So, should I be calling you Dad or Mum?” At the question, it took everything in Bernie not to cry as in response she choked out her response.  
“Mum, please.” And then in an even smaller voice as she looked between her two precious children. “I’m your Mum Cam, Charlotte. Your Mum.” Bernie felt a small smile tug at her lips as she said it, delighting in how the word sounded coming from her lips. _Mum. Mum. I am your Mum. ___  
“Except I am. Without going into details, I can perfectly assure you that your input into Cameron and Charlotte’s creation was very much masculine.” And with her words, Martha burst Bernie’s happy bubble and tore the small kingdom she had building down, flames engulfing every scrap of joy and hope which she had been trying to hold dear to her. Charlotte raised her eyebrows, ever the Mummy’s girl to Martha.  
“Yeah, I mean, like, is this a joke Dad? You’re trying some elaborate dress-up scheme to make us laugh and win us back? Because you’re not crawling back into our lives after what you did to Mum. Ew. No way.” She turned away slightly, and the small gesture was the most painful thing Bernie had ever felt. Forget bullets, forget scalpels, forget punches. Bernie knew she would take an IED a thousand times over in place of the bitter sting of rejection she was facing from her own daughter. The pain was monumental. Only Cam seemed to be showing any sort of sympathy towards Bernie, for which the army medic was extremely grateful. 

There was so much Bernie wanted to say to explain things and attempt to tell her family just who she was, but there was also a wall before her which stretched to the heavens, crippling her with doubt and insecurity and the fear of more rejection. Bernie found herself longing for Serena. Just a touch or a smile or the sound of her voice would be enough to soothe the worry temporarily and give Bernie the courage she needed to continue. She tried to explain that she wasn’t playing dress-up, and had realised she was female so, so long ago but hadn’t been brave enough to tell people. Her ex-wife did not wish to know though, and Bernie found herself being led to the front door and let out, with a parting message about the divorce lawyers hearing about Bernie’s ‘fanciful whims’. 

The walk back to Serena’s car was a painful one, albeit one tinged in delight at the thought that Serena had waited almost two hours for her. At least, Bernie thought, she had somebody who understood her. 

Serena watched Bernie leave and knew from the slump of her shoulders that things hadn’t gone perfectly. Serena smiled sadly. As negative as her experiences with family had been, she had hoped that at least Bernie’s children would be accepting. Elinor, having grown up worshipping Serena as the coolest mother around, had been unaffected when Serena had told her that she was adopted upon her 18th birthday. That memory was one of the fondest memories Serena had. She still argued mightily with Elinor, as any mother with a student daughter who had a penchant for expensive clothes and parties would. But when things got tough, Serena sometimes played over those words in her head. _“Who cares, Mum? I’d rather have you than Dad or someone who didn’t want me any day. Whatever the papers say you’re who I see as my Mum, and that’s what matters, right?” _She’d then picked up her new mobile phone and begun calling her friends so they could all go out and get thoroughly drunk on cheap alcohol in various nightclubs around Holby all night, but Serena didn’t mind. As the car door slammed, a lump formed in her throat at how unfortunate it was that Bernie appeared to have nobody. She turned to the woman and stroked her arm.__  
“Do you want to talk about it?”  
“Martha hates me, Charlotte thinks I’m joking, and Cameron didn’t want to upset them by being too nice to me. I’ll never be their Mum.” Bernie’s voice cracked, and the tears burst forward. Serena put the car into gear and drove the pair of them back to her house, where she ushered the still sobbing Bernie inside and made her a cup of strong and sweet tea. 

Serena knew there would be nothing she could do to alleviate the soul destroying pain which was evidently consuming Bernie, because there is no sting like the sting of rejection, especially by your own family. Serena vowed that she would do everything she could to ensure Bernie had all the support she could ever desire in her chosen family at Holby City Hospital. The woman had fought for her country, and it was time that people started fighting for her. 

Bernie went home late that evening feeling utterly dejected, but slightly better as a result of Serena’s caring comfort and sharing of her own painful experiences. Both Serena and Bernie knew, however, that it would be a long time before Bernie got over the events of the day, if she ever did. There are some things which stay lodged in a person’s mind forever, and for Bernie, that was one of them.

It was some weeks again before Serena found herself in a similar situation with Bernie. Except this time, she would be approaching it with her. Together. Serena was so proud of Bernie, and she knew how difficult the days and weeks following the meeting with her family had been. The trauma surgeon had turned up to work unshaven and scruffy, hair scraped back into the trademark bun and scrubs on haphazardly over the muscular soldier’s body. Most people in the hospital would think nothing on it, just acknowledging Major Wolfe’s commanding presence, but Serena did. _When did I find myself noticing the fact that the rings under her eyes are a shade darker than usual, _she pondered as she sat alone in the office one shift. Smiling wistfully, she shut away that train of thought before she got carried away with herself. _Hormonal middle-aged idiot. _____

Eventually, after a couple of chats over coffee (bought to go from the chain-store using the portable cups Serena had bought the consumed on walks around the city centre), Bernie had asked Serena if she would accompany her to tell the CEO of the hospital about her true identity. The way she had asked, with an uncertain wobble to her voice and an ocean of emotion in her eyes, Serena couldn’t help but pull Bernie in for a hug which neither pulled away from for a considerable number of minutes. Eventually, due to aching arms and rapidly cooling coffee, Serena had reluctantly pulled back and nodded.  
“Of course I will, Bernie. Anything that I can give to you, I will.” 

They both sat closer together than they usually did that evening, sipping coffee on a bench as the darkness set in, each lost in their individual thoughts of just how remarkable the woman they were sat next to was.

Serena hadn’t realised she was holding Bernie’s hand until the door in front of them opened and Henrik Hanssen stepped out, looking pointedly at their intertwined fingers. Sending a level stare in their direction, he spoke.  
“I believe you had something to discuss with me?” Serena looked to Bernie, who swallowed and nodded, before rising to enter the room. Before they unclasped their hands, Serena couldn’t resist giving one last squeeze of comfort to ground them both for the conversation ahead.

Serena sat looking at Bernie who was doing remarkably well at telling Henrik Hanssen just how she identified. Serena’s own experiences had been somewhat less organised: she’d already ticked the right boxes on her form, and if Henrik had seen, he had said nothing. It had only been months later when Serena and the Swede had become close colleagues that she had ‘officially’ told him. Two glasses of wine down her and a very pretty patient who happened to be straight and (from what Serena could hear as she spoke to her boyfriend) homophobic, had led to Serena turning to Henrik Hanssen and stating the facts of her identity. The man himself had been completely non-judgemental, and in actual fact, the occasion had led to them becoming even closer friends. Serena was in no doubt that Henrik Hanssen knew some of her deepest secrets, and she knew some of his. 

When Bernie started knotting her fingers together, Serena knew she was working herself up, having seen and noted the army medic doing the habit a couple of times. Reaching out a hand, Serena touched Bernie’s _(very, very muscly – good grief, I wonder what it would feel like to be pinned down – just from a scientific perspective, of course) _forearm and the army medic stopped and took a deep breath. Henrik Hanssen slid a piece of paper across the desk towards Bernie, who stared at it as if it were orders to execute the Queen she had spent her time on the frontlines for “I don’t understand.”__  
“One of those is your personal data form, which I believe you want to change?” Bernie’s head snapped up. She hadn’t officially told him yet, and he seemed to know. She turned to Serena, who raised an eyebrow.  
“I only told him there was an aspect of your form which you needed to change.” Bernie nodded.  
“Yes… Uh… Mr Hanssen. I, um, am... Not a man, well, I… Want to change that. On the form. Like Serena. Can I?” Serena couldn’t help but roll her eyes in affection at the way the army medic stumbled over her words. Henrik raised a knowing eyebrow at her, then reached into a folder, extracting two other forms. He placed one on the desk before him.  
“My personal data form, and,” he held the other one up, “Ms Campbell’s, if she is willing for me to show it to you?” Serena nodded her approval, given that there was nothing on the form which she hadn’t already told Bernie. “I can assure you, Major Wolfe, that I am not breaching protocol by doing this. Please study the forms and then change yours as you see fit.” Bernie looked at Serena’s, and saw her tick by the box which read _Transgender Female _under the Gender Identification category, and another tick next to _Bisexual _under the Sexual Orientation category. Bernie picked up a pen and, her hands only shaking slightly, changed her details to _Transgender Female _and _Homosexual. _Then, curiosity getting the better of her, she looked at Henrik Hanssen’s form, curious as to why the man wanted to share his details. Serena had mentioned that she knew there was more to Hanssen than most thought, _but surely he couldn’t also be like her and Serena?! ___________

Looking at the form, Bernie noted that no, Henrik Hanssen was, in fact, _Male. _However, in the category underneath, there was no precise tick next to _Heterosexual, Homosexual _or _Bisexual. _Instead, the man had placed a very precise tick in the centre of the box which stated _Prefer not to say. _Looking up, Bernie was met with a rare smile from the Swede, and a rub on the shoulder from Serena, who addressed her first.________  
“See, Bernie, more people than you think identify differently to how the world expects them to. The rumour mill will sink its teeth into any gossip it can find, and yet all the answers tend to lie here in the safe hands of our esteemed CEO.”  
“I don’t understand,” was all Bernie could reply, confusion written all over her face. “Preferring not to say isn’t an identification.” Henrik spoke.  
“Alas, no. But there is no box for my preferences, and so I choose to prefer not to say, as it were. I would rather not get into an intimate conversation with Human Resources as to why I believe this particular form is inadequate in its coverage of all individuals. Such is life.” Bernie still looked confused, and Serena couldn’t help but smile at her.  
“I’m just confused. If you’re not straight, or, or gay, or um, bi, then what can you be?” Serena shared a knowing look with Henrik, then a sympathetic one with Bernie.  
“You really haven’t had much in the way of information regarding the extended community have you, Bernie?” Bernie shook her head. Serena decided that they might as well have this conversation now, given the fact that her Swedish colleague has so kindly pushed them towards it. “Right, Bernie. I’m assuming you’ve heard of the LGBT+ community?” Bernie nodded.  
“Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transsexual right? Alex taught me that much.” Bernie laughed awkwardly at the mention of her former lover. “But plus?” Her voice rose slightly in question, and Serena felt her heart flutter at just how sheltered her darling friend Berenice had been from so many aspects of society. _Is this really what a strict military family does to you? Poor, poor woman. _Serena gathered her thoughts and continued.__  
“Well, Bernie, there are so many more identifications out there within the plus that whole groups of people identify as. And they’re all unique and special and in no way inferior just because society tries to erase them. Many people who you know and see daily can identify as such. Take me, few people know the truth about me because frankly, I don’t feel the need to share it with everyone. And Henrik, here.” Bernie focused her attentions back to the Swede, head tilting in silent query.  
“Within the plus there is an A. I am that A.” Henrik Hanssen stated it so simply, whilst Bernie’s head went a mile a minute trying to think of what the A could mean. The man clarified. “Asexual. Not ally, as some claim the A to mean.”  
“Asexual like a plant?!” Bernie regretted the words as soon as they had left her mouth, she knew she had said something disrespectful and potentially rude to _her boss _who had just told her something very few people knew. Bernie was also mortified that she had said such a thing in front of Serena, who had worked so hard to help Bernie understand the things she was in the dark about. Serena herself was biting her lip and looking at the CEO. _I should not be laughing. That comment is awful. She’s just so sheltered, bless her. _Henrik sighed, and looked back at the army medic who had gone the most spectacular shade of strawberry.  
“No. I cannot clone myself, much to the delight of Ms Campbell here. No. Rather, I do not find myself sexually attracted to anyone, regardless of gender.”  
“The only reason why the man isn’t knocked down by my considerable charms, I swear.” Serena stretched her body obviously, and Bernie averted her eyes. Henrik rolled his eyes.  
“And Ms Campbell is the only woman who would be allowed to make such remarks.”  
“Well, what can I say? We have this all or nothing partnership going on. I very much appreciate all, whilst the Swedish giant here-”  
“Keeps a calm head and actually solves the crises.” Henrik’s eyes glittered, and Bernie realised that the CEO and deputy CEO of Holby City Hospital certainly were excellent friends and confidants. But one thing still puzzled her.  
“You have a son?”  
“Just because I am asexual, it does not mean I cannot have sex. Much as just because you have children with a woman, it does not mean you cannot be a mother.” The silence which filled the room after his statement was a comfortable one, where each individual basked in their own thoughts. Eventually, the CEO broke the silence.  
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, but I have a meeting with Mr Griffin in fifteen minutes. Thank you for coming to see me, if anything aside from a formality it just reinforces the fact that you are a strong and valued member of the Holby City community, Ms Wolfe.” He held out his hand and Bernie shook it, mind going a mile a minute at the sensation of him addressing her as Ms, something which only Serena had done previously.____

Shutting the door behind them and getting the lift back down to AAU, Serena patted Bernie’s arm affectionately.  
“I told you the man is more accepting than you think. Come on, Berenice, cup of tea before we’re due in surgery in an hour, yes?”

The next step was more logical, and yet altogether so terrifying and new. Bernie wanted to tell their AAU family, and, by default, the entire hospital. She wanted to start coming to work in clothes she feels comfortable with, her hair down and curled _(she can curl her own hair now, _Serena thought, a bloom of pride erupting in her stomach, _I’m so proud of how far she’s come.) _The only problem was that Bernie doesn’t know how to tell them. Serena watched her for a good three weeks. First Bernie tried asking for the staff’s attention after staff briefing only to tell them that she will be reviewing their break time slot rota (Serena knew she wouldn’t be doing that for three reasons: 1 - Bernie has enough paperwork as it is; 2 – Bernie cares too much about everyone to get on their backs about breaks; and 3 – there isn’t even a break time slot rota. _Honestly, Big Macho Human Disaster Army Medic right there, this one. Still wouldn’t change her for the world though.) _Next, Bernie attempted to go for the casual revelation. Serena discovered this when she turned up to work one morning to find Berenice Wolfe sat in her chair with her hair down about her shoulders whilst her fingers tapped out an unsteady rhythm on her desk. As soon as it was time for her ward rounds though, Bernie had bottled it, tying her hair back up into its trademark Major Wolfe bun and marching onto the ward. Serena didn’t say anything.______

Eventually, after several more failed attempts, and the sight of Bernie drinking more whisky than usual in the evenings at Albie’s, Serena decided to take matters into her own hands. Next AAU staff meeting, Serena finished by stating that Major Bernie Wolfe was now going by female pronouns and the formal title of Ms. She glared at everyone, be them registrar, nurse or porter. Then, Serena had turned to Bernie, to be met with a vision of her friend and co-lead open mouthed and speechless, nodding in response to everything she had said. Back in their office once the staff meeting was over, Serena found herself being crushed into a tight hug as soon as the door was shut.  
“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” The words were whispered into her ear and her neck as they remained wrapped in the embrace for longer than most colleagues exhibiting perfect professionalism did. 

That night, Serena invited Bernie round to her house, where they answered all of Jason’s questions.  
“Doctor Bernie, Auntie Serena says at work you now wish to be called Ms Wolfe. Are you a woman at work now?”  
“Not just at work, Jason. All the time.”  
“I don’t understand. You were in the army. I was going to submit an application for you to go on World’s Strongest Man.”  
“Jason,” Serena looked at her nephew steadily, as Bernie floundered slightly. “Remember when we were talking about how your mother never knew she had a sister, and I showed you the pictures of me when I was younger?”  
“And you looked like a boy. But you said that for a while you weren’t a girl, but you were always my mother’s sister? Because sometimes our minds and our bodies don’t match up, but that’s okay as we can fix it. And just like my body isn’t good at some things like my sight it is fine because I can get glasses and then I’m okay again, you made your body match what was in your mind and you were better. Is that like Bernie?”  
“Yes, Jason. That’s exactly like Bernie. And Bernie is a bit older than I was when I managed to make my body and my mind meet, but that doesn’t matter. Because me and you and the whole of AAU and Holby will help her won’t we? Just because she looks differently to she did when we first met her and goes by different pronouns, it doesn’t mean we love her any less, does it?”  
“No. Bernie is Bernie. I like Bernie.” In Jason’s mind it was simple and logical, just like Auntie Serena had originally explained. Serena’s chest tightened in happiness, as she let Jason return to watching Countdown. Upstairs, Serena handed Bernie a wrapped box.  
“It isn’t my birthday.”  
“I know. But you’ve come so far. And it’s nearly Christmas, this was for then, but I rather think you’d prefer it now.” Bernie pulled the wrapping paper off and as she saw the curling wand she grinned. Serena shrugged. “Means you can do your hair at home every morning now.” 

The next day, Bernie arrived at work wearing jeans and a blouse with her hair curled about her shoulders. Serena watched her walk along the ward towards the office, and felt her stomach muscles clench as her co-lead shrugged off her _oh-so-spectacular _coat and placed it on the coat rack.__

In the next few weeks, Serena overheard snippets of conversation which filled her with pride. Lou correcting a porter who referred to Bernie by the wrong pronouns; Morven excitedly exclaiming how Ms Wolfe was an inspirational woman to a group of F1s; even Jac Naylor cutting over a board member at a meeting when they mentioned how the hospital had a reputation to uphold, thank you very much. Serena replayed the scene in her head for days afterwards, and made a mental note to get the woman an excellent Christmas present.  
“Also, is anyone going to take Major Wolfe aside and have a chat? This hospital does have a reputation to uphold, thank you very much.” The meaning behind the comment was obvious, but Jac Naylor’s comment was glorious:  
“Yes, somebody should. Ms Wolfe works so hard in that trauma bay to ensure that Holby is the pinnacle of our community, the board really should formally thank her sometime.”

Serena had inwardly cheered whilst the board member sat back quietly, and Hanssen smirked behind his briefcase. 

Evie Fletcher visited, and Serena gave her lessons in brief anatomy while the girl waited for her father. Evie smiled at her, and called her a cool surgeon, and Serena laughed. Then, Bernie had entered, and Evie had beamed up at her.  
“Your hair looks so stylish, Bernie. Dad won’t let me curl my hair, maybe you could teach me sometime, yeah? Serena has already promised that she’ll teach me cool grownup things so you could totally join our girls only gang, yeah?”

That was another day when the look on Bernie’s face was something which Serena filed away never to forget again. 

Mikey was next.  
“Oi, Serena, where’s the blonde job?”  
“Excuse me?”  
“About your age, used to be in the army? He – I mean she – I mean he – is super cool!” Serena had furrowed her brow.  
“Why the confusion?”  
“Well he was a bloke, weren’t he? But then me and Evie heard Dad and Uncle Raf talking in the kitchen one night when we should have been watchin’ telly but Evie wanted I’m A Celeb and I wanted Ninja Warrior so I hid the remote so she turned the TV off and said none of us could watch then. And Dad and Uncle Raf were talking and practicing situations where they used she and her and Ms Wolfe and it was a bit weird but yeah I know Bernie is a girl now but I shouldn’t know that cos it’s a secret innit?” The boy stopped for air and Serena smiled fondly at him and the sweetness of Raf and Fletch.  
“No, I think Bernie would prefer it if you knew she is a woman. Don’t confuse yourself, yeah? In answer to your first question, she’s just finishing in the trauma bay, if you promise to be good I’ll take you for a look at the defibrillator in there, but you can’t touch it or any of the other machines.”  
“Cool!” The boy had thoroughly enjoyed his mini tour of the trauma bay, and went home that night leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind that as much as Evie idolised Serena, Mikey’s favourite surgeon by far was The Blonde Job Bernie.

Over the next few weeks which passed, Serena had been thinking. About something. A bit. _Well. Maybe a lot. But nobody needs to know that, _Serena told herself. It had reached the stage where she stayed up late into the evening having an extra glass of Shiraz and pondering over lists of pros and cons in her head. She knew she had to do something about it. Broach the subject, so to speak. And then die in a hole for eternity if things didn’t work out.__  
Serena knew that Bernie was also working up to telling her something, or asking her something. The way that the trauma surgeon fiddled nervously with her fingers when they met in the lift or by surgery or in the corridor were a sure sign that Bernie was very much contemplating something. _Oh dear, she knows what I’m thinking, _Serena told herself, _and she’s trying to think of a way to gently let me down. What a mess. _____

Eventually, she found the courage sat in the office one morning. Bernie had come in, sat at her computer, and done precisely no work for thirty minutes, instead glancing at Serena over the decorated tree which was stood on their desk, whilst Serena doing the same back to her. Serena breathed in through her nose and then opened her mouth, as Bernie spoke at the exact same time.  
“Spend Christmas with me.”  
“I want to transition.”

Both stared at one another for some time, before their pagers went off simultaneously. They spent their day sharing knowing glances with one another. As their shifts ended that evening, they both looked at one another shyly, again speaking at the same time, this time in hushed whispers.  
“Okay.”

To Be Continued


	4. Light Purple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings are still in place throughout this chapter, since it contains some extreme homophobia and transphobia.

Chapter Four: Light Purple

Christmas passed by in a blur. Serena was grateful to have Bernie by her side though when things got a bit manic with Fletcher and all of his children. What she found she wasn’t grateful for though, was the fact that Bernie wasn’t by her side. Literally. In the evenings. In the nights. In her bedroom. In her bed. In _her and now that will be the end of that conversation thank you very much Serena Campbell get your mind out of the gutter and speak to Evie who has appeared by your side yet again WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR._

__In all honesty though, Serena was happy to help Bernie with the general admin side of transitioning, which was monotonous and tedious but completely necessary because _yes Bernie this needs to happen because if you don’t you’ll spend the next twenty five years under the wrong pronouns on paper and I promise nobody at the water board is going to judge you and even if they do who cares they work for the admin team at the water board and you are a trauma surgeon so outrank them by far quite literally. _Serena wanted Bernie’s transition to be as smooth as possible, given how painful her own one had been at times. She didn’t want Bernie to have the same feelings she had. The feeling of fumbling around in the dark searching for some form of light to tell you what you were meant to do next. The feeling of that light turning out to be a candle so when you grabbed it you burnt yourself badly and regretted even deciding to look for support in the first place. No, Serena thought, she wanted Bernie’s journey to be a simpler walk through the tunnel following a constant light at the end which is sunlight and safety. She knew it wasn’t going to be plain sailing for Bernie, and made no secret of the fact. Transition was a long and delicate process. Over mulled wine and mince pies once the Fletchlings had gone home and Jason had gone to bed, Serena would explain the perils of hormones and surgery and presentation but also reinforce to Bernie just how utterly worth it the process was in the end. Yes, at the time the mental and physical toll could be awful, but, to be completely accepted as yourself for the rest of your life? Well, in hindsight, it was worth it.___ And so, in the new year, Serena found herself accompanying Bernie to her GP, and as the long medical process of Bernie being referred to an adult Gender Identity Clinic nearby (but not at Holby, which did not offer that particular NHS service), Serena couldn’t help but feel a small swell of pride at just how far Bernie had come to getting the help she needed._ Bernie had been on hormone replacement therapy for a few months, and was beginning to notice the effects of it. Some days, Serena found Bernie positively glowing, incredibly pleased that she was becoming more feminine. Other days, Serena didn’t find Bernie in as good a place. It was the end of the shift, and Serena went to the locker room to change out of the scrubs she had been wearing for the surgery which had gone over allocated time due to complications with the small intestine. In the otherwise empty room, she found a rather dejected looking Bernie Wolfe staring at herself in the mirror whilst kicking a gym bag at her feet. Serena walked over and rubbed her friend’s back encouragingly.  
“Everything alright?”  
“All these months I’ve been waiting for the changes and now I don’t want them. Be careful what you wish for, eh?” She laughed bitterly, and Serena pulled her close.  
“What’s wrong, Bernie?”  
“Look at me! My muscles aren’t as toned now because of these hormones and that means I’m not as strong and I have to be strong, Serena. I need to be strong! I’m gonna go to the gym but I can’t because what do I wear? I can’t wear tight pants to work out but jog pants look so MASCULINE and I don’t want to look stupid!” Tears sprung to Bernie’s eyes and she wiped them away hastily with the back of her hand. Serena, without thinking, reached up and gave Bernie’s biceps a squeeze (then remembered to continue breathing because _good grief woman that is not not toned _) before addressing her gently.__  
“Bernie, you are strong. Yes, the oestrogen is meaning some of your muscles are losing their definition and if you want to go and work out, do, nobody is stopping you. As for the clothes, why does it matter? The gym isn’t a fashion show – that’s why I don’t bother going,” Bernie laughed at that, “but if it would make you feel better I know of a gym which is pretty small so might not have as wide a range of equipment which you are looking for but it is accepting of everyone and asks no questions. Would it make you feel better to work out in a calmer environment?” Bernie nodded and Serena tugged on her arm, steering her back to the office so she could pull a business card out of her purse. Changing out of her scrubs could wait until Bernie felt better. Time marched on. Bernie still had good days and bad days. Serena still stayed by her side to celebrate the good days and ease the bad days, though both Serena and Bernie knew that no matter what the vascular surgeon did to try and cheer Bernie on bad days, it would never be enough to completely dispel the gender dysphoria and mixed emotions which warred inside the ex-army medic’s mind. That didn’t stop Serena trying her best to make everything as comfortable as possible for her co-lead. One event in particular stuck in Serena’s mind. Bernie had a bad day, then another, and another, and soon the week had been one of the bleakest imaginable. Nothing Serena said or did could rescue Bernie from whatever was playing out in her mind, and only in surgery did she make a brief appearance to take control of the crisis. Bernie’s mood got worse, and Serena became increasingly worried. She did not wish to pry, and hoped Bernie would feel strong enough to confide in someone at some point, but her heart ached to see her friend under such a smothering cloud. Eventually, things came to light one evening when Serena was considering heading to bed for the night. A text from Bernie. _I’m outside. _Serena had opened the door and pulled Bernie into a long hug the moment she was over the threshold. She guided her upstairs to her bedroom so as not to be disturbed by Jason if he decided he wanted a late night glass of water, and Bernie, visibly shaking, slowly revealed what had been causing her distress.__  
“I got a letter. From the RAMC.” Serena’s heart nearly stopped. _They wanted her back for service. They wanted to take the Major away again. They wanted to leave Serena lonely once more. _“They’re hosting a ball. And I’m going. Compulsory, sort of. Well. I’m being honoured. But. I’m a man. But I’m not. The therapy. They don’t know. I can’t do it. I can’t go. But orders. They’ll hate me. I can’t. I just can’t.” Serena rubbed Bernie’s back as she choked out her words between sobs, as she realised just where Bernie’s dilemma lay.__  
“Bernie,” her voice was soft, “I think you should let them know. I’m sure they won’t judge you. The army is more accepting now than it was when you first signed up. And they’re honouring you for your service, not your gender. Tell them, Bernie, then go to the ball and show them just how far you’ve come. Look at your extended AAU family, look at me. We still care about you so much Bernie for who you are, not how you identify. Alex loves you for who you are, why can’t they?” Serena did not expect her final words to push Bernie into another stage of despair. Rocking them gently, she waited for to see if Bernie would explain.  
“Alex doesn’t love me anymore.” The words were mumbled into Serena’s shoulder. “She said I took too long. She phoned me to say she’s bringing her new girlfriend to the ball.” _Oh Bernie. _Serena’s heart went out to the other woman. “I clearly was never womanly enough for her.” Bernie sniffed again and Serena shook her head.__  
“Bernie, you were always womanly enough, and now you have the courage to show that to the world.” Bernie gulped.  
“I did something stupid.” A long pause. “I told Alex that I had a new girlfriend to.” Another pause. “And that I was taking her to the ball.” Serena pulled back and looked at Bernie.  
“And now you’re scared of telling Alex the truth because you still love her?” Bernie shook her head vehemently.  
“No! I don’t still love her. I mean, she’s amazing, and I wanted to make her jealous maybe, to show her how strong I am but I don’t know if I can and so… and so…” Bernie looked away and took a deep breath in. “Willyoucomewithmetotheball?” Serena wasn’t sure she heard her properly, given that Bernie crammed all the words into her exhale. “Will you be my plus one? Please, Serena? I want you there to help me show my comrades who I am. And I won’t ask anything else of you. Just that if Alex approaches you maybe admit to being my girlfriend. Please? I’ll forever be in your debt.” Serena couldn’t help the smile which split across her face.  
“Don’t be silly, Bernie, you’re repaying me enough by taking me into a ballroom filled with men and women in uniform. I would never get such a treat any other way. And yes, I will stay there for moral support. Let’s show Alex just how womanly you are, yes?” Bernie nodded, and then yawned. Serena tutted. “We both won’t be fit for work tomorrow if we keep chatting at this rate. Come on, let’s get some sleep.” She guided Bernie back against the pillows, too tired to even bother changing clothes. Serena just slipped her shirt off, leaving her in her vest and trousers. Bernie, without really considering anything in her tired and emotionally exhausted state, just pulled her jeans off and climbed under the covers in her shirt and boxers. Serena snapped the light off, and both fell asleep quickly, dreaming of bravery and ball gowns. The day of the military ball turned out to be a day when Serena was off work, and Bernie was in until mid-afternoon. Therefore, Bernie was on strict instructions to get to Serena’s house as soon as possible after her shift, so that they could travel to the event together from Serena’s house. Serena had spent a good proportion of her day in the bathroom, trying to make herself look as perfect as possible. Despite telling herself on a daily basis that she was a beautiful and strong woman, Serena couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by the desire to look absolutely flawless for the military ball. Maybe it was the thought of being surrounded by so many servicemen and women in their uniforms, or maybe, she told herself, it was the thought of having to present herself as Major Wolfe’s significant other. _As if that’s not something you’ve thought about a lot. _Serena scrubbed herself to within an inch of her life using her favourite honey-based products, leaving herself smelling wonderful with impeccably smooth skin. Jason knocked on the door twice _“Are you sure you haven’t drowned Auntie Serena?” “I just had to answer the door to the postman and sign for your mail which seems wrong because I am not you so that’s lying!” _but Serena continued, before deciding she was as clean as she was going to get. Right then. Clothes.____ When Bernie knocked on the door that evening, Serena was not prepared for the sight before her. Major _Berenice _Wolfe in dress uniform. Including a _dress. _Serena gasped and Bernie smiled shyly.____  
“Since I told them I got my measurements redone at the military tailor, so I can have a female dress uniform. It cost a lot but I feel magnificent. And it was easier to change into at the hospital.” Serena found that coherent speech was no longer an option, as she took in the sight before her. Bernie looked _amazing. _There wasn’t enough words to describe how Serena felt about Bernie in uniform, aside from the fact that _Serena wanted to ravish her completely in it right there right then. _____What she didn’t know, was that Bernie, stood on the doorstep, was having similar thoughts as she drank in the vision of beauty which was Serena Campbell in a long red off the shoulder dress with a knee high split up one side, revealing that Serena could quite possibly be wearing stockings. _Or tights, _Bernie reminded herself, _but stockings were a much more tantalising vision to push around the brain. _____Upon arriving to the event, Serena knew that it was going to be much more serious than any of the fundraising galas she had been to on behalf of Holby City Hospital. Men and women were everywhere in dress uniform, alongside their equally well-dressed partners, though, Serena noted, none were as attractive as Bernie. Bernie, who Serena could tell just from the tense muscles as she linked her arm, was incredibly nervous. Serena leaned to whisper in Bernie’s ear, grateful that her heels put her on an equal height with the army medic.  
“Bernie, breathe. You look stunning. You’re fearless. If these people recognise you, they’ll accept you for who you are.” Bernie exhaled quietly and guided them inside to where many military personnel were mingling over drinks. A manly voice was heard and a strong looking man walked over to them.  
“Excuse me, love, but your uniform says Major in the RAMC but I don’t recognise yo-NO! Bernie Wolfe! I never!” Bernie tensed and Serena stroked her arm gently.  
“That’s me,” Bernie half-smiled, “finally finding the strength to be myself now I’ve been forced to retire on medical grounds.” The man clapped Bernie on the back.  
“Good on you, mate! And can I say what a cracker you are! I might take you for a spin later, if you don’t mind!” Bernie laughed.  
“It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve said those words to me,” she turned to Serena, “drives a 4x4 like a maniac he does! It’s a wonder I didn’t get dismissed due to injury when he was at the wheel!” The man laughed.  
“You love me really, mate!” Then he turned to Serena. “So, Bernie, is this the wife?” Bernie coughed awkwardly.  
“Um, no. Martha and I are… Separated. Divorced. She wasn’t, isn’t, um, as accepting of me. Serena here is relatively new to my life. But she’s honestly one of the best things that has ever happened to me.” And, Serena nearly cried all her makeup off when she saw the way Bernie gazed down at her. _You’d think she really did love me. What an actress she is. If only she would genuinely look at me in that way. _The man patted Bernie on the shoulder.__  
“So sorry, Bernie. At least you’ve pulled yourself a beauty.” Serena smiled at him gratefully. “Though, fair warning, pal, whilst most of us lads are pretty accepting of whatever, especially when we know you’re as great as you are, I know that a few of us aren’t. Of, well, anything not sort of, traditional.” He gestured to a couple of powerful looking men who were circulating the room, and Bernie blanched. Serena pressed herself closer to her, and leaned her head against her shoulder as a gesture of support as Bernie and her comrade promised to catch up sometime before he left to talk to others. They continued wandering around the hall, Bernie growing more and more confident, until one of the men indicated earlier approached them.  
“Well, well, well. So it is true. Major Bernie Wolfe has taken to becoming a transvestite.” He turned to Serena. “Does it spice things up in the bedroom, sweetheart? A nice surprise when he whips the dress off to reveal his masculinity?” Serena narrowed her eyes at him.  
“That is no way to speak to your comrade and my girlfriend.” He laughed.  
“Oh, whoops, sorry.” He didn’t sound at all apologetic as he turned back to Bernie. “Want a piece of some dyke did you? She’s a sexy one, I’ll go that far, but honestly, man, pretending to be a woman just to get a piece of totty? The only way to convert people like her-” he nodded towards Serena “is to force them to accept your raging manhood to them. Stop playing games, man, use the balls you were born with.” Bernie took a deep breath and turned to Serena, who tried to show support instead of her burning hatred towards the man who was vastly being placed into the _as-vile-as-my-ex-husband _category. Bernie turned back to him and stared at him evenly.__  
“Your name is not on tonight’s list of honours, and mine is. I think there’s a reason for that. And I think that reason is the fact that I care about everyone, no matter their situation, and have saved many in their moments of need. Well, now it is time for me to care for and save myself. And Serena here is going to be by my side throughout, because she is a loving woman who you barely even know a thing about. So, if you’ll excuse us, we have other people to talk to.” And with that Bernie pushed past the man, dragging Serena alongside her, until they were in an empty corridor to the side of the ballroom, where she looked away from Serena and tried to steady her breaths. Serena wrapped her arms around her and forced Bernie to breathe alongside her to stop the Major from hyperventilating. Whispering declarations of how brave Bernie was and how proud Serena was of her, she waited until Bernie felt calm enough to enter the ballroom once again. Only for them to come face to face with the person who Bernie had been dreading seeing the most.  
“Alex.” Bernie breathed her name, and Serena immediately cosied herself up closer to Bernie, knowing that this was her moment to fulfil her promise for the evening.  
“Evening, Bernie.” Alex nodded. “This is Octavia.” She gestured to the woman on her arm, pretty and young and seemingly well-off.  
“This is Serena.” Bernie turned to Serena, who smiled politely at their companions.  
“Pleasure to meet you, ladies.”  
“Well, Bernie, I must say, you’ve turned out alright haven’t you?” Alex’s smile was genuine.  
“Yes, I’m getting there, thanks to the support of the wonderful woman beside me.” Bernie gave another one of _those looks _to her, and Serena felt her knees going week.__  
“Sweet talk is going to get you nowhere while we’re here, darling.” She wound her arms lazily around Bernie’s neck, delighting that she could push herself further into the woman’s personal space.  
“No, but it’ll soften you up even more for when we’re done.” Bernie stroked her hands up and down Serena’s waist, and Serena genuinely believed she might combust. Alex coughed pointedly and the two broke apart.  
“Urm, anyway. Alex. Octavia. How did you meet?” It turned out that Octavia’s parents owned some country retreat where Alex had gone to as part of her recuperation post her return to the UK. She and Alex had got on tremendously well, and Octavia’s parents liked the idea of having a military woman in the family, and so had blessed the relationship, which had now been going on for almost a year. Octavia asked how long Bernie and Serena had been an item, and Bernie blushed. Serena looked up at her, waiting to see how wild a tale her friend would concoct.  
“Well, Serena and I ended up working together, co-leading the Acute Admissions Unit at Holby City. Well, she actually leads it, I just march around the trauma bay yelling at people and annoying our charming CEO. Anyway. I guess we were just attracted to one another from the off, and over the weeks and months she was really supportive of me, and at some point we both just admitted to ourselves that we had blurred the line between close friendship and relationship along the way.” Serena nodded to Bernie, and decided to add some of her own details because she knew she could lie more convincingly than Bernie.  
“Well, yes, at some point one has got to question if you really would kiss your best friend passionately on the sofa for half an hour and possibly longer if your nephew hadn’t arrived home. On multiple occasions.” The group laughed as Bernie turned the shade of a tomato, and Alex shook her hand warmly.  
“I’m pleased for you Bern, really. Looks like we both turned out alright in the end, eh?” Her gaze was warm and affectionate and Serena couldn’t help but inwardly melt at the thought that Bernie had got the closure she deserved regarding Alex, and that it wasn’t negative. As they were ushered to their tables for the meal and ceremony, Alex turned back to look at them. “We should meet up more often, the four of us.” Serena and Bernie looked at each other awkwardly before turning back to the other couple.  
“Yes, we should arrange something. Sometime.” Bernie took Serena’s hand as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and led them to their seats. Serena nearly wept at the feel of Bernie’s fingers entwined with hers. The meal was delicious, and the ceremony spectacular, especially the point where Bernie accepted her honours alongside other personnel. Serena’s face shone with pride, and she was happy that she didn’t have to pretend to hide her love, just as long as Bernie thought she was acting. The live band was beautiful, and Serena danced with Bernie until her feet ached, and they were leaving to find a taxi.  
“Bernie?”  
“Serena?”  
“Come back to my place.”  
“Pardon?”  
“Come back to mine. It’ll be easier. It’s the early hours of the morning and we’ve done it before and managed. Besides, I want to hear more about your military career.” _And see you in uniform for as long as possible. And have you in my bed again, even if nothing will happen. ___  
“Okay.” After they had brushed their teeth and changed into baggy t shirts and shorts, Bernie looked once again at her honours.  
“It feels strange.” She muttered into the darkness.  
“What?” Serena returned.  
“All my life I’ve been just Bernie. After my grandfather. He was a Bernard, but nobody called him that. Everyone always asks what it’s short for and I’ve always been Just Bernie. Tonight I wasn’t. Now I’m not. I’m Berenice. Now when people ask I can tell them.” And Serena felt an overwhelming urge to gather the other woman in her arms and pull her close. Because she knew just how monumental small victories like that could be. Small victories where someone accepted that you had a new name, a name which suited you better, a name which was _you. _In Serena’s eyes, nothing would ever take away the beauty of her Berenice.__ Serena awoke the next morning to the sun filtering through the blinds and onto her face. She cracked her eyes open ever so slightly, and squeezed them shut again as a mixture of sticky sleep and unwashed off eyeliner crusted her eyelashes. She wasn’t especially aware of her surroundings, just the knowledge that the long fingers of sleep were calling to her, tempting her to plunge back into its depths and never resurface. It was in this state that she realised that there was another presence behind her. A very solid one. She ground her hips unthinkingly at the contact, purring and stretching as her the rational mind tried to create a picture of the previous evening and the lazier side tried to send her back to slumber. She was sobered very quickly by a gasp behind her then a cry, and the sight of Bernie Wolfe sprint across the room and into the ensuite. Serena then registered the cold morning air upon her arms as it dawned on her that Bernie had taken the duvet with her. Dragging herself from the bed, removing the previous night’s makeup, and getting dressed, Serena wondered what had startled her friend so. Then she realised, and wanted to kick herself. _Scratch that, go and shove your head in the oven, Campbell, you monster. _She knocked on the door and called Bernie’s name out softly, to be met with a muffled ‘go away’.__  
“Bernie. I’m sorry. Please know that I think nothing less of you. You’re still one of the most amazing women I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, Berenice.” Slowly, the door opened and the trauma surgeon reappeared.  
“It’s the hormones. They sometimes… I sometimes… I don’t want to though. I’m sorry.” Bernie muttered at the floor and Serena lifted her chin up so she could look at her.  
“I understand. Really, I do. I’ve been there. I apologise for not easing matters in my half asleep state.”  
“I shouldn’t have stayed. I’m sorry.”  
“Nonsense. And, if it makes you feel any better, it isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever woken up to. I’ll take it as a warped compliment. I know you’ll be feeling less than excellent after that betrayal of the body, so I’ll make you some breakfast while you sort yourself out here. I promise though, Bernie, things do get better.” Serena went downstairs to begin making toast, to find a note from Jason saying that he had gone to Alan’s for the day because he expected Serena to be up at around 11:30am if she had arrived home at the time she had said she was before she left the evening previously. Serena chuckled at the note and stuck it to the fridge. It was so good to have Jason around. Serena never mentioned the accident again. Bernie didn’t either. Both continued to run AAU on a day to day basis with the utmost organisation and professionalism. While neither actively said anything, both felt that the atmosphere between them had become much more charged since the military ball. Serena told herself to stop being silly and focus on her patients and Jason. But she couldn’t help it sometimes. _She’s just so gorgeous. The way she wears her hair. The way she looks in that coat. She’s beautiful. She’s the loveliest person I’ve ever met. _It was only a matter of time.__ She was sat at her desk one evening, going over some patient files in order to shorten the ever increasing stack of paperwork. _It is amazing how little you can get done when your thoughts are dominated by a dashing trauma surgeon. _The door clicked open, and Serena looked up to see Bernie almost creeping around it, both timid and anxious in her actions.__  
“I just came to say that I might be moving on.” Serena’s eyes snapped up. _She isn’t leaving Holby, surely? _Bernie leaned against the filing cabinet. “I had my latest appointment at the GIC and since it’s been over a year on the HRT I and they think I’m ready. To move on. Physically. I. Um. I’ve got an appointment. Henrik says I can have the time off when it comes to it. Is, um, is that alright? With you?” Serena stood up and almost ran the short distance in order to pull Bernie into a fierce hug. She couldn’t believe just how far Bernie had come, thanks to the support of others. Yes, Martha and Charlotte were still unaccepting, but Cam at least had sent Bernie a birthday card addressed to ‘Mum’, which Bernie had stood on her desk and stroked tenderly on a daily basis. Serena knew that Bernie still had a long way to go, but she would always be there to support her.__  
“We should celebrate! I’m taking you out!” Serena declared, and Bernie raised her eyebrows.  
“Out?” Serena nodded firmly. She couldn’t deny that she had been mulling over the thought for a few days _(weeks, months, since the military ball) _and Bernie’s admission cemented the thought in her mind. She knew exactly where she was going to take Bernie.__  
“This weekend, we’re both off. Come to mine on Saturday afternoon, and we’ll have a girly pre-going out session like all the young ones do. Zosia and Jasmine and all them. Then I’m taking you out and we’ll have some fun and you can stay at mine again.” Bernie gulped at the final suggestion and looked anywhere but Serena, who knew she was thinking of the accident last time. “Only if you want to. No pressure, Berenice. You’re your own woman.” Serena would have been lying if she had said that she hadn’t put a _lot _of thought into Saturday evening. Having been gearing up for a night out herself, she had been contemplating asking Bernie along, but had never felt that the time was right. But the time had come, and Serena was desperate to show just how much she wanted Bernie to know that she craved the release she would get from repaying Bernie for taking her to the military ball. Nothing else. _Goodness, old girl, _Serena reprimanded herself, _stop letting your thoughts run away with you. _______And so Saturday evening came, where together she and Bernie had an excellent time preparing themselves.  
“Where are we going?” Bernie had asked.  
“It’s a surprise.” Serena had responded.  
“But how am I supposed to know what to wear then?!” Bernie had whined.  
“Wow, you’re really getting into the feminine mind-set now aren’t you?” Serena had joked. In the end, Serena had told Bernie what she would be wearing. A silky champagne-coloured blouse and some tailored trousers with the leopard print heels she had bought on their shopping trip together. So not casual, but not military ball formal. _Not that I’d mind if you did put that dress uniform on again. ___They got dressed simultaneously: Bernie in the ensuite and Serena in her bedroom. In the end, Bernie (who had brought a small selection of clothes to choose from) decided to wear a longish buttoned over shirt with some skinny jeans (now she was more comfortable presenting in tighter clothes) and the block heeled boots. She also had her coat with her, and Serena tried not to get too distracted by the thought, lest she let herself go too much and end the night out before they had left her house. Bernie fixed her hair whilst Serena did her own make-up, and then Serena turned to Bernie.  
“Now, fair Berenice, do you wish to sort your own face out, or shall I do the honours?” Bernie didn’t reply for a moment, too distracted by taking in Serena’s look. _How was it possible for her to have so many layers of beauty? _Serena had gone for a different look again to the usual one Bernie saw her in. Different to the look she had for the ball, too. Darker and fuller eyeliner with smoky eyeshadow. Rouged cheekbones. Full and plump looking lips which looked as if she had stained them in the Shiraz she so loved to drink in order to get such an exquisite colour. Serena Campbell certainly looked _fierce. _Bernie gulped.____  
“You can do it. I’m still clueless.” Serena laughed and began rearranging her pots and tubes. Gazing at Berenice Wolfe’s face was becoming a favourite pastime of Serena’s, and she relished the opportunity to do it without arousing suspicion of her deepest thoughts. And so, she took her time applying the Major’s makeup, checking in that the look she was working on was agreeable.  
“This eyeshadow colour okay?”  
“Yes, wonderful.”  
“How do you feel about lip liner?”  
“Um, sure.”  
“I’m thinking that I should use a bit of highlighter.”  
“Are we going to a circus?”  
“What?!”  
“Or a, um, what do the kids call them? Morven went to one the other week. A rave?”  
“Berenice Wolfe, what in the name of Shiraz are you going on about?”  
“Well why else would you need to coat my face in luminous yellow streaks? Or pink. Or green. Whatever colour you have. I’m not sure it’d come out easily.” Serena suddenly realised, and couldn’t help but snort with laughter, pressing her eyes shut to avoid crying off her mascara. She reached down and picked up a compact filled with powder.  
“This, you great dimwit, is highlighter! It helps to add contours to your face!” Bernie blushed and Serena felt her heart do a little jig of affection. “Sit still, and let me finish.” What Serena didn’t know, was that sitting still for Bernie at that moment was proving to be a monumental exercise in self-control. The woman’s mind was racing through a cacophony of thoughts, an Oscar-winning feature length film detailing the wonder that was Serena Campbell. Forget any major motion picture, all Bernie wanted was a film entitled _Serena _which was filled with the woman brushing powder across her face that instant. Months ago, Bernie had been confused. _Do I want to be her or be with her? _In that moment, the confusion was gone, and Bernie realised that over months of change and difficulties, she had answered her own question. _I want to be with her. I am Berenice Wolfe, and I am a lesbian, and I want to kiss Serena Campbell, the spring to my everlasting winter. _As these thoughts overwhelmed her, Bernie tried to focus upon anything and everything else in the room which was not the smell of Serena’s perfume as she leaned closer to her. Which was not the gentleness of her fingers as she dusted some excess powder from Bernie’s nose. A very little voice in Bernie’s head whispered to her _what’s stopping you? _And as Serena placed the pot and brush back down on the dressing table, she turned back around to find Bernie Wolfe pressing their lips together with all the force of a natural disaster. _A beautiful, welcome, natural disaster. A flood when the river, which has been so full for so long, can hold itself together no more and bursts its banks, bringing life and joy to the earth around it. _Serena reciprocated easily.__________ To Be Continued.


	5. Pink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has read this and stuck by me whilst writing it. The subject matter was at time emotionally challenging to write (and read), but this AU is now complete. This chapter is fluffier than the previous ones (though with less tropes than the last chapter) and it spans a few years.

Chapter 5: Pink

It escalated from a hurried kiss to a prolonged meeting of mouths, lips and tongues and teeth moulding together as if they could not bear to be separated. Time seemed to stand still and nothing mattered anymore, because, well, quite frankly, kissing Berenice Wolfe is just _so easy. _It’s as natural as breathing or talking or seeing, and, besides, why should Serena stop? As far as she’s concerned she’s been wanting to do this with Bernie for far too long now. At least a couple of months. _Or maybe the moment I first met her, not that she needs to know that, the attractive minx. _Serena honestly could not think of anything she would rather be doing. Performing a splenectomy? Think not. Watching her daughter in a production? Nope. Necking an entire bottle of the finest quality Shiraz? As tempting as that would be: no _(not when there’s something, well, someone else she’d much rather be necking)._____

______In the end, they stopped for air, more than anything, foreheads touching and both breathing heavily. Bernie, more confident now she’d got past the first barrier, began nibbling her way along Serena’s jaw and _oh if it wasn’t the best feeling in the world. _Serena, however, noticed the smudge of rouge along Bernie’s cheek, and realised that she did in fact have plans for the two of them that evening. Pulling away slightly (before diving back in for a quick kiss at Bernie’s expression), Serena turned her head to one side, laughing slightly.  
“What a way to mess up my makeup, Berenice! And your own!” She brushed their lips together again, before reaching for some products to touch them both up. “As lovely, and I mean _lovely _as this is, we do have plans. And I would rather like to fulfil them.” Serena couldn’t help but look cheekily at Bernie though, running a hand through her thoroughly messed up curls. “But, I’m not saying we can’t do this again later.” Bernie’s breath hitched, and Serena laughed huskily. “Come on, darling, let’s head out.”_____ _ _ _ _ _

___________________Serena couldn’t help but smile contentedly as she and Bernie walked hand in hand through Holby City centre, past a public gardens where someone had strung fairy lights between the trees, giving the atmosphere an almost magical feel. It wasn’t busy near the main clubs and nightlife hotspots, and it was still early according to most club-dwellers, so they were able to walk relatively undisturbed. A breeze whispered through the trees, and Bernie pressed herself closer to Serena._  
“This is nice.” Her whisper was carried away by the wind, and Serena murmured in assent, as they continued their leisurely stroll. Finally, Serena directed them down a dimly lit side street, and stopped on the cobbles to turn and face Bernice, her hands creeping underneath _that coat. _Bernie looked down at her and they nuzzled noses, content in the silence of the evening. Soon, they had leaned into one another and were kissing gently. Not the frantic and lust-fuelled kisses of earlier, but slow and romantic kisses, where they were content just to press their lips to one another again and again. They were broken out of their reverie by someone clearing their throat beside them. Serena turned her head, still pressed up against Bernie, ready to give whoever had interrupted them a piece of her mind until she saw the very smug looking face of Henrik Hanssen.__  
“Good evening Ms Campbell, Ms Wolfe.” The streetlight reflected in his glasses, making his eyes appear to glitter more than they already were.  
“Oh, don’t you worry Henrik, it definitely is.” Serena raised an eyebrow, and laid her head back against Bernie’s chest, and was delighted when she felt the army medic pull her closer to her. The man smiled at the pair of them before looking at his watch.  
“Well, I must be returning home. I have a board meeting early tomorrow morning. And I will remind you that you are required to be in attendance, Ms Campbell.”  
“What on earth can you mean by that, Henrik?”  
“I am merely stating that you should watch the time to ensure you are alert. I do know how you can get when the drink gets flowing.” Serena laughed, and was surprised when Bernie interrupted.  
“Don’t worry, Mr Hanssen. I’ll make sure to limit her Shiraz _and _get her to bed at a reasonable time.” Hanssen merely stared levelly at them, smiling, before nodding at them in farewell and making his way back onto the main road. Serena turned to Bernie.__  
“Don’t worry, I very much doubt any of our other colleagues will be in here. Henrik only frequents it since I introduced him to this gem of a pub.” She turned back towards the building and was about to go in when she realised Bernie was gazing up at it, her face the epitome of reverence.  
The pub itself was fairly ordinary. A white painted front with planters below the windows; frosted glass hinting at the light and warmth inside; a gold-lettered sign, twinkling in the soft light, displaying the pub’s name to the world: _The Apple And Baby. _As Bernie gazed up at it in awe, it was clear what had grabbed her attention. The flags hanging above the doorway, one on each side, and then the bunting strung along the front of the entire establishment. Bernie looked at them for some time, until she spoke softly into the night.__  
“The flag on the left. The rainbow. That’s… That’s the flag isn’t it? It’s my flag.” Serena smiled at Bernie.  
“Both of those flags are your flags, Bernie.” Bernie frowned. “The flag on the left is the gay pride flag, yes. Do you know what the one on the right is?” Bernie stared at it for some time, unsure, but knowing that the blue to pink through purple somehow connected with her deeply. Serena dropped her arm from Bernie’s waist to hold her hand, but still remained pressed close to her. “That flag is also my flag Bernie. And every other transgender person in the world.” Bernie gulped, and some tears leaked out of her eyes.  
“Both of the flags? Belong to me?”  
“Well, the flags themselves belong to the pub I think, Bernie. But what they represent, the pride at being yourself, no matter what the world thinks, that belongs to you. And that’s what matters. The fact that me and you and Hanssen and everyone else in our extended community can see their flag and be reminded that they should be proud of who they are, and never, ever have to feel ashamed or forced to hide. See that flag there?” She pointed out a flag within the bunting which had three stripes in pink, purple and blue. “That’s my flag. The bisexual pride flag. And that one over there?” This time she pointed to a four striped flag of black, grey, white and purple. “That’s Hanssen’s.” And as she continued naming the flags, Bernie realised there was so much she still didn’t know, but wanted to thanks to Serena. She wanted to embrace the family she never knew she had which included people who were _pansexual _and _polyamorous _and _genderfluid. _Bernie turned to the woman beside her, and held her hand even tighter. _Yes, I can do this. _Serena tilted her head, and Bernie nodded, before heading inside the pub.________

__  
_Once inside, it became obvious that Serena was a well-liked customer._  
“Serena! Long time no see!” A youngish man with fashionable facial hair and well combed hair called over in a Northern accent almost as soon as they were through the door. Serena laughed and pulled Bernie towards the bar with her.  
“Good to see you too, Chris! The usual for me, and a whisky for my charming companion here.”  
“Double”  
“Best not, she’s promised to get me in bed at a reasonable hour.” She winked at the bartender and he laughed heartily, and Bernie found that even though she blushed, she wasn’t embarrassed by the fact.  
“So, I take it this lovely creature is the reason you’ve not been gracing us with your presence as of late?” Serena looked up at Bernie through her eyelashes, unconsciously tangling their fingers even tighter together.  
“Oh yes, she’s certainly been my favourite waste of time these past few months.” The Northern bartender guffawed again and turned to Bernie, holding out his hand.  
“Lucky woman, you are, to catch Serena Campbell. I’ve been trying for years.” He placed a hand to his chest in a melodramatic way. “Oh! What I would do for an attractive doctor to sweep me off my feet! Man, woman, anything in between or neither: Come my doctor and make my heart bear again!” Bernie couldn’t help the laugh that burst forward, and found that she wasn’t as self-conscious about how rumbly it was compared to her nervousness in other places. Chris placed their drinks on the bar and waved a hand when Serena produced her purse.  
“No fee for these, on the house. Providing you bring your delightful woman back sometime.” He looked at Bernie again. “Sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”  
“Berenice. Bernie.” She took her whisky and allowed Serena to lead her to a quiet booth in the corner, as Chris turned to serve another customer. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

__  
_Sat in the booth, Serena watched Bernie as she sipped her drink. Bernie was clearly feeling a little overwhelmed by the accepting atmosphere in the establishment, and Serena was willing to bet that the woman beside her had never before been in such a, well, _colourful _drinking house. Bernie was doing a very thorough job of people watching over the rim of her glass, and cataloguing everybody she saw. Those who were flamboyant, those who were shy and those who were just there to enjoy the company of good friends. Bernie felt a small aura of peace surround her, invisible in such a bustling environment because she wasn’t a freak or a fake: she was a phenomenal, unique and valued human. She turned back to Serena, and they shared a secretive smile over their drinks.___  
Serena watched Bernie carefully. They had been making idle small talk about anything and everything from AAU to the zebra print jeans the person now chatting with Chris was wearing. She knew Bernie was working up to asking her something, but respected that the trauma surgeon needed to say it without being prompted. Eventually, she took a deep breath and looked Serena straight in the eyes.  
“Serena?”  
“Bernie?”  
“Are we… Um… I guess… We… What I’m trying to say is… Are we, uh, is this, ah, a, urm, date?” Bernie looked away quickly and Serena bit back a laugh.  
“Why do you ask?”  
“Well because we, ah, you know,” Bernie glanced down to Serena’s lips and Serena smiled at her, leaning in slightly. Bernie coughed. “And I sort of think that might mean that we’re, well, you know, well, um, together? Are we?”  
“Major Berenice Wolfe. Let me tell you now that I didn’t plan this as a date, but yes, now I am considering it as one. Even if I did get us our drinks for free.”  
“That’s the, um, thing. You’re so… Friendly… With everyone, aren’t you? And I think, I don’t know, if you’re just, ah, being nice to me?” Bernie looked away and Serena’s heart clenched. _I have to tell this stupid and gorgeous woman to stop overthinking things. ___  
“Bernie, believe it or not, I’ve been considering the prospect of being more than just _friendly _with you for a while now. I may flirt with everyone, but I certainly do not kiss everyone. _Especially not _in the way I have been kissing you this evening.”_  
“So you do… Care about me?”  
“Yes, and then some besides. Now, you adorable woman, shall we head on home? You have a promise to keep with Henrik after all.”___

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

__  
_Waving goodbye to Chris behind the bar, Bernie and Serena exited the pub. It was a clear night, and the stars twinkled down upon them as they entered the dimly lit street. Bernie stopped momentarily and looked up at the flags above the doorway. _I belong here. Amongst this community. By Serena’s side. ____  
  
__  
_The sunlight crept in through a gap in the curtains as Bernie trailed lazy patterns onto Serena’s arm, which was draped across the duvet. The woman beside her was still sleeping, but Bernie was awake, an old habit from army days she didn’t even bother trying to kick. Serena awoke slowly to the feel of soft fingertips caressing her skin, and she turned to look sleepily at the woman next to her, making a soft noise of approval at the sight of a sleep rumpled Bernie._  
“What time is it?”  
“Probably earlier than you’d usually wake at. Plenty of time before your meeting.”  
“Good.” Serena snuggled back down under the covers, placing her head in the crook of Bernie’s outstretched arm. Bernie continued with her tracing.  
“Serena, can I ask you a question.”  
“Mmm?”  
“Why are you called Serena?” Bernie had been pondering the thought for a while, but never felt brave enough, given the fact that she didn’t want to hurt Serena’s feelings. But the previous night and Serena’s restful state had made Bernie brave enough to voice the thought aloud.  
“What? Instead of Stephanie or something?”  
“Well, uh, yes.”  
“Have you heard of The Serenity Prayer?” Bernie furrowed her brow.  
“I don’t think so.” Serena’s eyes glazed over fondly as she reminisced about her past.  
“My mother always used to say it when I was a child. _God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. _When I began my period of transition I found myself saying it a lot. I still do. It really resonates with me. And so, when I was thinking about names, Serena just seemed the natural choice. I’ve always been more of a Serena than a Stephen.” Serena allowed herself to drift on her memories of her past. “In the end, when Mum was nearing the final curtain, she had me say The Serenity Prayer to her.” Serena choked back a sob. “She called it _The Serena Prayer. _That’s the closest she ever got to saying she finally accepted me as her daughter.” And then, despite the walls she had spent decades building up, Serena found her cheeks damp as a result of the tears which tracked down her face. _All I ever wanted was them to accept me as their daughter. _She became aware of Bernie pulling her closer to her, and she rubbed her face against her army medic’s chest in order to try and absorb some comfort from her. Bernie stroked her back and kissed her hair. They stayed like that until the alarm went off, signalling that they would have to face the obstacles of the day. _But now, _both thought, _now I can do that with this amazing woman by my side._________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
__  
_Holby City Hospital remained much like it had always been: Fletch’s kids showing up randomly; Morven getting excited about little things; Raf’s distinct Scottish accent; Jason (now as a porter, to Serena’s delight) wheeling patients about; Serena and Bernie heading it up as a tight ship. The only thing which had changed was the few discreet stolen moments which the co-leads had with one another. The rest of their extended AAU family did not seem especially flustered when they began arriving to work together or closing the blinds before they finished in the evening or communicated only in tender looks across the ward. They were all truly happy for Ms Campbell and Ms Wolfe, and how much they clearly loved one another._  
  
__  
_As time rolled onwards, Serena found that she was loathe to be apart from Bernie for very long. Bernie had her first appointment regarding her physical surgery, and Serena had never felt any greater sense of pride for another person. That evening, Bernie sat down in Serena’s living room on her sofa with her, and (after some skating around the subject and a lot of nervous fiddling with the television remote control) brought up what she had been discussing with the professionals that morning._  
“So, um, I, ah, talked about me becoming well, I am, I know but I’m not and now I’m able to because of the time and I, erm, I wanted you to help me finalise things?” Bernie blushed and Serena raised an eyebrow.  
“Bernie your body is your own and you need to decide just how much or how little surgery you want and need to help you feel comfortable in your own skin.”  
“Well, uh, yes, but they brought up, ah…” Bernie blushed a deep shade of red and turned away from Serena, unable to look her in the eye. Serena, thinking back to when she first began to journey along the physical surgery path, had a rough idea as to where the conversation was going. However, she waited for Bernie to bring it up in her own time.  
“Do you, um, have any preferences? How would you prefer my, well, me, to look?” Bernie mumbled, and Serena wrapped her arms around Bernie’s waist.  
“I don’t have any preferences, Bernie darling. I love you for you, brave, macho, idiotic fool that you are. I will love you the same after your transition as much as if you didn’t at all. This is about you, and what you want.”  
“So you won’t mind if I keep things pretty… Tame?” Bernie was clearly struggling with the conversation, and Serena stroked her forearm softly.  
“Your body is your own, Berenice.” Serena kissed Bernie’s neck. “Although, I have to say I would be shocked if you opted for a bosom the size of Katie Price!” Bernie laughed quietly, and turned to kiss Serena.  
“I love you so much, Serena. Thanks for making this be slightly more bearable.”

__  
_Bernie had her treatment done at St Austin’s. Far enough away that tongues wouldn’t wag at Holby City, but close enough that she could still return to Serena once she was discharged. The moment Serena laid eyes on Bernie after her first surgery was a moment Serena would never forget. _Had I looked as emotional after mine? Not that I could ask anybody, I came out of it alone. _Bernie always-hide-behind-the-faithful-mask-of-good-old-British-reserve Wolfe smiled a watery smile up at her, and Serena kissed her chastely on the lips, not caring what any of the nearby nurses and patients thought.___  
  
__  
_Bernie stayed with Serena during her recovery period. They hadn’t especially discussed it, but both knew it was the best option. Bernie rested up while the bruising eased, whilst Jason sat and watched reruns of Countdown and Pointless with her. In the evenings, Serena would stroke Bernie’s hair whilst telling her stories from the hospital. Zosia March and Ollie Valentine over on Keller were rekindling their romance. A sleazy Italian locum had set his sights upon Jac Naylor. Raf was being called up to Keller on many consults nowadays._  
Serena walked in on Bernie and Jason watching World’s Strongest Man one evening, and as she handed Bernie her pain relief medication, she nearly welled up at the get well soon card which caught her eye beside Bernie.  
_To Bernie, You might not be able to go on World’s Strongest Man but I think you’re one of the World’s Strongest People. Love, Jason x_

__  
_The moment screamed love and care and family and Serena realised that this was what she had waited for her entire life. To be surrounded by an atmosphere that even in simple domesticity felt like the most comfortable blanket, protecting her from the monsters which never quite left. Serena excused herself to the kitchen in order to compose herself once more before she felt able to return to two of her most favourite people in the world._  
  
__  
_Bernie said that she wanted to return to work for a while once her top half had healed. Return to a sense of normalcy before she began preparing herself mentally and emotionally for the rest of her physical transition. Serena agreed that Bernie should get back to the hospital _(not just because you want to spent more time in her presence each day, _she told herself) but only on light duties. Hanssen agreed, and Bernie was once again back on AAU, albeit mainly doing paperwork and ward rounds rather than the trauma surgery she so loved.___  
  
__  
_Serena was sat at the nurses’ station one day, and Bernie had come out of the office to see her _and if I thought she suited scrubs before now I may as well be dead at her feet _and ask her if she was going to have lunch with her. As they were laughing along with each other, and Serena felt herself getting lost into Bernie’s eyes, Morven appeared.___  
“And here are Ms Campbell and Ms Wolfe,” the use of the title made Serena preen and she knew Bernie was standing up prouder behind her, pushing her chest out ever so slightly, “co-leads of the Acute Admissions Unit. They’re both kind of a big deal, so look lively yeah?” Morven grinned at them and Serena couldn’t help but smile back. “Any advice for the new rotation?” Morven gestured towards the group of F1s beside her and Serena smirked.  
“The pay is better aboard.” Bernie leaned into her slightly.  
“Observe, learn and always question your own decisions.” She looked down at Serena and _oh goodness if I don’t become a puddle on the floor _was the only though running through Serena’s mind as Morven turned back to her troupe of keen students.__  
“I couldn’t have put it better myself. Follow me!” As she led the recruits onwards, one of them stopped to tie a shoelace and Bernie shouted back at them.  
“Oh, and never leave a man behind! Or was that the previous career?”  
“No that was the previous career” Serena played along with Bernie, before a voice was heard.  
“But for you it’s okay to leave a man behind, quite literally. Hello Mum.” The sound Bernie made next to her was something between a sob and a gasp. Serena looked back at the junior doctor and then at Bernie, who breathed a single word.  
“Cameron.”

__  
_It was undeniable that having Cameron on the ward lifted everybody’s spirits. Granted, it also sparked anger when the boy had clashes with Morven (not that Serena delighted in these, per se, but she had got a bet on with Bernie regarding the likelihood of the two juniors becoming entangled romantically). There were also a couple of Bernie/Cameron tiffs, but on the whole, the junior doctor was incredibly respectful and polite towards his mother. It was obvious to all that he idolised her. Serena also got to know him, even if it was through awkward ice breakers. _‘Orange Is The New Black?’ Seriously, Cameron Wolfe? _The bumbling young man clearly had his mother’s best interests at heart, and was taking Bernie’s transition relatively well. Serena hoped that his positive attitude would eventually rub off on Charlotte. There were still nights when Bernie would wake up crying at the thought of her daughter never speaking to her again, and wailing about how she had made a mistake. She would spend the days after a retreated version of herself, and Serena patiently waited for the storms in her mind to calm once more.___  
  
__  
_Another Christmas came and went, which was one of the best ones Serena had experienced, given that Elinor joined them for the festivities instead of being busy in some production or university trip or another. She had cornered Serena in the kitchen after the main meal was over, and hugged her tight. _“Bernie’s good for you, Mum. I really like her. And you’re so clearly in love.” _Serena felt like she was walking on air for the rest of the festive period.___  
  
__  
_As the New Year approached, Bernie sat on the edge of the sofa in Serena’s lounge, nervously twiddling a loose thread on her jumper between her fingers. Serena entered with a bottle of Baileys to break from the usual Shiraz _(well, it had been a gift off the next door neighbours, and waste not want not) _and two glasses. Sitting quietly next to Bernie and placing the bottle and glasses on mats on the coffee table, she reached over and put her hand over Bernie’s stopping the fidgeting.___  
“What’s on your mind?” Bernie sighed.  
“I got a letter off my landlord asking me to put down the deposit if I want to pay another year’s worth of rent.”  
“Right?”  
“It’s just, and I don’t want to sound presumptuous, not at all, but I’m rarely there and eighty percent of my possessions are here and I’ve got my surgery in February and I won’t be at my flat and I just don’t know what the point of the expense is.” Bernie looked at the fireplace and Serena couldn’t help the little half smile which broke out on her face.  
“Are you asking to move in with me Bernie?” Her voice was gentle. Bernie blushed.  
“Well, no, but I mean I do stay, uh, and, I just…” Serena cut her off to stop her from driving herself into a panic.  
“As far as I am concerned Bernie, you’ve been moved in for months. You going to check your post at your flat once a week was just a formality I let you indulge in.” Bernie turned and looked at her incredulously.  
“Really?”  
“Really. I wouldn’t want you to move out. And neither would Jason. He’s become quite fond of homemade curry nights with you.” Bernie bit her lip flirtatiously.  
“And what about you?”  
“Oh, I ‘m just fond of nights with you, Ms Wolfe.” She poured the Baileys, and together they toasted the New Year together, and sealed the hopes they shared with a kiss.

__  
_It would be an understatement to say that Major Berenice Wolfe was nervous when she went in for her surgery. Serena had lost count of the amount of times she had been asked about what it felt like to wake up and have the genitals of the gender you were always supposed to be. Serena had tried to explain her own experiences as much as possible, but Bernie still didn’t stop asking. Serena put it down to an underlying current of excitement. She drove Bernie to St Austin’s, then went to Holby to complete her shift there, but her mind totally elsewhere._  
  
__  
_Serena was surprised when Cameron knocked on her office holding a gift bag._  
“Ms Campbell?”  
“Yes?”  
“I, uh, I got this for Mum. It’s a bag of things she can, um, do while she recovers. Puzzles and books and things.” He looked sheepish. “Will you give these to her?” Serena couldn’t help but smile.  
“Of course I will, Dr Wolfe.”

__  
_When Bernie, operation complete, had been allowed home with Serena, she presented her with the bag as Bernie lay propped up on pillows. She emptied the contents and Serena rolled her eyes. Amongst the puzzle books and murder mysteries was a copy of the _Call Me Caitlyn _issue of Vanity Fair. Still, couldn’t knock the lad for trying to come to terms with everything. Bernie rummaged through the goodies until she found a small envelope. Opening it, she took out a letter and Serena had an inkling as to what it was when the silent tears began to run down the army medic’s cheeks. Their eyes met, and Bernie sniffed.  
“She called me Mum.”___

__  
_After Bernie had read the letter several times and had a short nap, Serena sat next to Bernie on the bed, careful to leave a gap because she knew Bernie would be tender._  
“So, how does it feel, Ms Wolfe?”  
“Right.”

__  
_And, really, Serena thought, that was the perfect way to sum up the process for her, too. _Right. _At the end of the day, it wasn’t a splenectomy or an appendectomy or a heart transplant. It was surgery to alter physical appearance so that your body matched your identity. So, once all was said and done, the overwhelming feeling was not one of shock or joy or euphoria, but of peace and contentment and everything just being _right. ______  
  
__  
_Bernie spent several days unable to move very much because of the bruising around her genitals, but she still battled on and was exceptionally grateful for Serena’s presence by her side. She knew that the colossal walls of gender dysphoria wouldn’t vanish despite having had the surgery, but they had definitely diminished now she looked like the woman she had always felt herself to be. The surgeons had told her that she could not have sexual relations for three months after the surgery to avoid damage, and Bernie honestly wasn’t all that bothered by the fact. Sex had never been something she and Serena had engaged in, and Bernie would forever be grateful to Serena for not pushing anything during that time. Bernie had never wanted to put Serena in the same category as Alex, who despite having sex with Bernie, had still not fully understood the conflicting emotions which clouded Bernie’s mind during the moments of intimacy. Once she was healed, however, Bernie thought that, in time, and if Serena was willing, they might take their relationship to the next level of intimacy._  
  
__  
_The first time they had sex, Bernie cried. Serena had held Bernie close as the moment overcame her, and rocked her close while she kissed Serena’s shoulders and whispered emotional thanks into Serena’s neck. Serena often reminisced about their first time together. It wasn’t the planned, romantic event which Serena had always assumed it would be. _A long evening of candles and seduction once Bernie felt ready, _Serena had thought. _Oh no, that is not what it had been. Not that I would have changed a single thing about it.____  
  
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_They had been baking a cake. Bernie had fully recovered, and was due to return to work on the Monday after several months off. And so, Saturday afternoon found the pair of them baking a cake to take in and share with their AAU family to celebrate them all working together as a team once more. Jason was out at the cinema with Cameron (both Serena and Bernie were thrilled at the growing friendship between the boys) and so, without his _albeit endearing _clumsiness and precision, the pair had taken the time to bake a chocolate sponge. They’d put it in the oven, and set the timer for 45 minutes. And then, they’d lazily kissed by the counter. It wasn’t rushed or hurried, but they both made their way to the bedroom wordlessly, sharing slow kisses and gentle caresses on the way. They were both nervous as they stripped clothes off one another, but then they were together, skin to skin, and _oh, was the moment perfect. _If Serena had to describe it in one word, it would be careful. Serena was gentle with Bernie, knowing how unusual the sensations would feel for her. In the end, release wasn’t ground-breaking or earth-moving and the world didn’t tilt on its axis, but after pleasuring one another so tenderly, neither could complain. And then, Bernie began to cry. They had held each other close, the raw emotion of the moment cloaking them. Then, downstairs, the oven timer had gone off._____  
  
__  
_Bernie had arrived back at work bringing a new sense of force and vigour, throwing herself into the trauma bay and ward rounds and even the piles of paperwork. _She really must have been bored during her time off, _Serena rolled her eyes, wondering how long the new and efficient at administrative tasks side of Bernie would last (two weeks, it turned out). Henrik came to visit them one evening as they were preparing to leave. Serena noticed him hovering silently in the doorway to their office.___  
“Welcome back, Ms Wolfe. I trust you’re well?”  
“Never been better, thank you, Mr Hanssen.”  
“And Ms Campbell here is allowing you to rest up at home?” He looked at Serena as he spoke, and the double meaning to his words was evident by the teasing glint in his eye.  
“Of course, that’s why I must cut this meeting short so I can take Berenice here home.” She smirked back at the man, and swept past him. She didn’t need to look behind her to know that his lips has quirked upwards in amusement.

__  
_As far as Serena was concerned, Bernie was doing remarkably well. What she didn’t know, was that one day, Bernie felt everything get too much, and had escaped onto the roof to contemplate her situation. She wasn’t expecting to be joined by Dominic Copeland, who came stomping out onto the roof with incredible force. Upon noticing Bernie, he stopped and gestured next to her._  
“Do you mind?”  
“No, be my guest.” Dominic took a deep breath.  
“When we talked on the bench when you first came... I assumed you were gay.” Bernie laughed.  
“Well I am!”  
“Yes but I wasn’t being respectful. And respect is so important.” Bernie turned to the young man beside her.  
“What’s on your mind?” Dominic sighed.  
“I just split up with my boyfriend. I got fed up of Isaac not giving me the respect I deserve. But I’m scared. He’s so good at saying the right things to me.” Bernie patted him on the shoulder awkwardly.  
“Don’t. If he tries anything on, come find me. I’ve been wanting to use some of my military skills now I’ve left.” Dominic laughed and then stood.  
“I should get back to work.”  
“Yes, so should I!” Bernie stood. “See you around, Dr Copeland.”

__  
_That night, Bernie held Serena even tighter. She felt lucky to have someone who loved and respected her no matter what._  
  
__  
_Serena loved Bernie, and Bernie loved Serena. It was simple, really. Their relationship blossomed and went from strength to strength. They took delight in the small things. Waking up with one another and sharing coffee and croissants. Performing splenectomies together in theatre. Watching Marley & Me with Evie because Fletch couldn’t handle it. There were the _other _aspects which they also enjoyed _(a lot, _Serena thought). The time Bernie wore a matching set of lacy midnight blue underwear under her scrubs and Serena couldn’t look at Bernie in work for weeks after _that show. _Their own personal Christmas three days after the main event (due to shift patterns) where they barely left the bedroom _(and that was only for tea and toast). _When a male patient took a shine to Bernie and Serena dragged her into the stationery cupboard to remind Bernie _just why she preferred women, thank you very much.__________  
  
__  
_It was a balmy summer evening, many years since Bernie Wolfe had first arrived at Holby City, and met Serena Campbell. Serena sat beside Bernie in the garden, reflecting upon their relationship of the past couple of years. The day after, they would be seeing Charlotte, who was finally beginning to accept her mother for being just that: her mother. Cam and Morven had been dating for almost a year and a half, and Serena was thrilled to see Morven so happy after Arthur’s passing all those years before. Jason had settled into a wonderful routine, and was now referring to Bernie as his ‘Auntie Bernie’. Fletch and Raf couldn’t believe the children were growing up so fast, and Serena was surprised when Elinor took Evie under her wing when the young girl expressed interest in auditioning for her school production of Snow White and The Seven Dwarves._  
  
__  
_Serena laid her head on Bernie’s shoulder, and gazed out into the sunset. She felt Bernie kiss the top of her head and Serena smiled. There was nowhere else she would have rather been in the world. The next door neighbour went into his garden to put some recycling in his bins. He nodded at them over the fence.  
“Good evening, ladies!” Serena and Bernie both nodded back to him, and entwined their fingers together as he returned indoors. Because, really, that’s what it was. A good evening for Serena and Bernie, two ladies who happened to be in love. And that’s all it had ever been between them, in all honesty. _

__  
_What Serena didn’t know, though she (and Bernie) could have guessed, was that that’s how it always would be for them. The two most fantastic, fearless, female surgeons in the world._  
  
__  
_//finite\\\_  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole AU can be considered as my Christmas present to the fandom for being so welcoming and supportive. Brownie points to you if you cottoned on to the inspiration behind the pub name! Also, I used the trans flag design which I did because it is the one I see in most establishments, and also it was the flag which provided me with the solid structural inspiration for this story. Thank you once again to every single one of you who has read this fic, and left supportive feedback. I recommend reading this on ffn if you want it with all the italics in the right places. I'm still working out ao3.


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